Day 6 of Hospice
Dear Sonzee,
Today was filled with much of the same of the last couple of days. Lots of cuddles, more visitors, and your room filled with love. We have some of the sweetest pictures of you and Noam from today and a video of you and Tzvi that if I ever have the courage to watch the entire thing I think I will give myself a medal.
Today I received a text message to confirm your monthly TPN appointment with Dr. Williams on Feb 4, I replied No when it asked if we planned to attend. It took over an hour to press send. Today your brother was invited to skate with the 10u kids for the upcoming Monday, February 3, we said yes to him going.
Today I was really struggling with this whole hospice ordeal. On the one hand, I was petrified for life without you, but on the other knowing you were dying and watching the process is just something I won't ever fully be able to recover from. I wish someone would have just moved in with me and explained every aspect of the process. Someone close to me reached out today as if G-d told her what I needed to hear and it summed up my feelings exactly. It was nice to not feel like I was alone. In terms of my ability to cope with the situation, today would be the last day that I felt like I was holding myself together.
Tonight after my bath as I walked by your room I heard bubbie and Tzvi playing with you. Tzvi was having a tough time with his feelings and this whole you dying process. He and bubbie decided to go on a trip wherever he wanted and chose "Sonzee land". Like I mentioned earlier, if I can bring myself to rewatch that video in its entirety it will be something special. I recorded the entire 8 minutes without him noticing, standing to the left of the doorway. I had ironically taken the bath to relax, to collect my thoughts, and to cry all of my tears alone, but apparently, I still had more. Tzvi gathered all of your stuffed animal friends and bubbie had a couple herself and you were right in the middle. "In Sonzee land, you could do whatever you want". After he played with you, he read you books. My only regret is that he asked to sleep with you and I said no. It was partially selfish because I didn't want to give up my spot next to you tonight, it was also because I was torn on whether it was appropriate since he was an 8-year-old boy and you were a 4-year-old girl. Did appropriate even matter anymore? What is really appropriate in any case when your 4-year-old is dying? I don't know why I didn't just pull out the trundle bed and let him sleep there, I wish I would have.
Today would be the last day you were as awake as you were and it would be the last Wednesday you would spend in your bed. It would be the last day where I didn't spend part of the day angry at the situation, G-d, and over my notions of how comfort and reality don't always match up...but I will save all of that for tomorrow.
Until tomorrow.
Love always,
Ema
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