Monday, January 11, 2021

49 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

Another week has passed.  I say that like it happened slowly, but it was more of a quick blink, and Monday, here we are again.  I feel like a toddler having a tantrum not wanting to cooperate in terms of not wanting the time to keep moving towards your Yahrtzeit.  Similar to your little brother last night when we tried to put him to sleep.  He was kicking and screaming and refusing to stay in his bed, I had to bring him back what felt like 20 times, trying to bargain with him that tomorrow he would be going to school.  I was even singing those (ridiculous) super JoJo or Jay Jay songs (can't remember which character and I never get it right) about the first day of school.  It wasn't working out so well.  Anyway, I am totally him with this whole concept of it getting closer to the 8 of Shvat, February 3, and week 52.  Just typing that (as I have said so many times) makes it hard to breathe, brings tears into my eyes and makes me panic.

Aba has asked me no less than 3 times in the last 24 hours (and more times within the last 48) about what I want to do on the 8 of Shvat, (you know the whole Jewish anniversary date that does actually matter) which happens to fall on January 21.  In case you didn't know that means it is only 10 days away and neither emotionally, physically, or any other manner am I at all prepared for it to happen.  I ordered some shiny pinwheels I was thinking of placing at your grave and while I was at it, I threw some birthday yard signs since you know we have this whole insane whammy of Sonzee dates headed our way.  Just to get it out in the open as a reminder for me, the Hebrew anniversary of your death is January 21, your English anniversary is February 3, February 4 is your Hebrew birthday, and February 11 is your English birthday.  I suppose it makes it easier to just be beaten all at once, but maybe being able to come up for air would have been a nice idea too.  But honestly, this is ALL way TOO much for me to process. 

Maybe it is just the fear of the anticipation of how everything will unfold that has me in the mental space I am finding myself in?  Maybe this is just how January and February are going to be for me for the next few years? Maybe forever?  I guess time will have to tell.  

I realized that as of 11 days from now a year ago, it was the last day I physically stepped foot into FBC to work.  I find it almost poetic that will be going back in person on week 52 since you left us.  I feel it as another gentle push from you to tell me it is time for me to start moving forward.  (I really would prefer not to move anywhere-but I am going to attempt to try, although I can't guarantee I am going to be able to keep it together as much as I would like).  Today starts with your siblings' first day of in person school in almost a year.  It is certainly a mixture of excitement and fear.  I know deep down it is for the best, but I also worry about them, the typical regular dramas of school, and then the added component of their grief that they still have challenges articulating.  

We all went to visit you yesterday, it was the first time we all went since the unavailing of your monument.  Your monument looks as beautiful as I envisioned it would as we drove into the cemetery, and it stands out like I had hoped, but it's still hard for me to look at your name written for all to see.  I realized how obvious it is you are a child amongst all the headstones with large last names written across the tops of stones.  It just adds another level of sadness for me.  Tzvi took 4 rocks to paint for you, he made sure they were huge, although I was sort of against that because of clutter, I let him do it because clearly, he has some artwork he would like to share with you.  Noam as usual fell asleep on the way to see you and then at the carwash asked if we would see you.  Laeya and Meena are back to playing with the playmobile items they store in your room. I have been trying to gather my favorite clothing of yours to have a quilt made but every time I try to start I get a few clothing items in and have to stop.  I guess a year is still too soon for me.

Anyway, baby girl, I love you and miss you!  I hope you are staying safe and out of trouble!

Until next time, 

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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