11 months

Dear Sonzee, 

I almost panicked last night when I thought I had forgotten to place your 11-month rock on Thursday because the 3rd was yesterday, but then I was filled with instant relief when I realized it is actually January 3 today.  Either in between your brother's hockey games or on our way up to Bear Pines I will be sure to stop by and add this one and final glow rock to your collection.  I had not been so sure if I was going to continue with the monthly rocks for year 2, but then I was on Amazon and came across a metallic rock kit and the decision was made for me.  In just one month, you will get to see the first one.  The box showed a silver rock with rhinestones in the shape of the letter "S", your siblings and I all noticed it after we each looked at the box on our own and got excited.  The only current fight is now who will do the first rock.  I think I might choose based on who doesn't argue about it, which means 2 of your siblings have already been eliminated.

Today already marks 3 days into the new year and 3 days into January.  I am feeling so conflicted about my feelings about this month.  Your biggest sister will be turning 11, it is my birthday month as well, and yet I have zero desire to celebrate anything happy because it also happens to be the Jewish date of your death in 20 days (which besides lighting a candle for I might actually ignore because I don't think I am mentally prepared for that so soon).  I was worried if you died on Laeya’s Hebrew birthday it would be awful because it would forever hold a shadow over her milestone events, so while I was relieved when you chose mine instead, you starting your decline on her English birthday isn't an easy event to just pretend didn't happen as it is.  It thankfully isn't one she will have to realize sends a dagger into my heart, but it makes the idea of decorating a week in advance and actually celebrating nauseating. I guess it is now amongst one of those dates that are now significant for your life.  

A year ago today we saw Dr. Williams and we were set to see her again in a month.  Your labs looked great, except those questionable values...but this time it was a different set since we offset the others with the iron infusion.  A year ago 12 days from today would be the last time you saw Dr. Wendy in her office.  She couldn't say from that visit that "you had less than 6 months to live", and yet a year ago in 15 days from now, we would embark on a journey where we would say our forever, see you later goodbye.  I know all of your doctors miss you.  I know they are haunted by the way everything unfolded, maybe even more so than I, because my gut knew first.  

This week we are going up to Bear Pines for one last virtual week of school/work.  This month is going to get exponentially harder and yet easier at the same time.  In 8 days your siblings, all 4 of them, will be going back to school in person for the first time in close to a year.  This means that I will be forced back into some semblance of normalcy.  My heart is panicking over drop off.  My routine was always to drop your siblings off and then go back home to pick up you and nurse Paige.  There won't be anyone to come home to before I have to start my sessions, no Sonzee to take to school.  Your backpack hangs on the hook in your cubby in the garage, unemptied from the last day you came home, your shoes still fill the bin below, and your jackets still hang there as well.  

It will be quiet and nice to work from home, but I am honestly really scared about that at the same time.  You died and corona restrictions began right away and I haven't had a chance to even be by myself, so I am looking forward to that on the one hand but scared to death on the other.  I do look forward to being able to go back to our longer visits together, but the whole moving forward with real-life thing makes me a bit sick, scared, confused, guilty, literally every emotion there is a word for in the English language and then the others that don't have any words to describe them.

I wish one of these monthly letters to you would be the last one I would have to write because your absence was reversed or somehow they could start over because I could see you for even a minute to restart the clock, but I am pretty sure that isn't how this is going to work.  This is the way it will be for my forever, counting up the moments and days since I last gave you a kiss and held you in my arms and having no idea about when we might be reunited again.  I know the last 11 months have been the best you have ever gotten to experience, for that I am eternally grateful for, but my heart hurts even more than it did the day you left.

Love and miss you always.

Until next time.

Love, 

Ema