Dear Sonzee,
Today marks the 47th week since I last saw your face and it is also the last week of 2020. There is a part of me (much like the rest of the world, but for different reasons) that is ready to close the door and open an entirely different window in 2021, but there is still very much a part of me that wants to find a dark corner of a hidden basement and just stay. This past week has been one of the more challenging ones since we said goodbye to you, but I am sure for you it was one of your best since Corrinne is now with you.
During your time on hospice, we were told it was time to make arrangements for the cemetery. You know that I couldn't leave you nor was I at all able to walk into an office and choose the space you would be spending eternity in. I gave Auntie A and Aba one rule, which was to find a space next to a child who was under 8. I am not sure others can understand that need, but I couldn't have you alone. It was scary enough for me to send you off knowing I couldn't hear all about your days or who you were spending your time with. It was meant to be when there was a place with a little girl, Charlotte Avery, who was actually born around the exact time as one of your bigger sister's, but who sadly passed away as an infant. I felt at the most peace I could be knowing she would surely be there to help you adjust. But when I looked at your potential Gan Edan class roster, there wasn't anyone you really knew. (I wonder if you were scared about that, or if it didn't matter). For me, it has been really scary. While I never wanted any of your friends from your class to join you, in the last 6 months you now have two from Miss Amber's room 4 at FBC and I would be lying if I didn't say or admit that each one brings me a bit more comfort in knowing you aren't alone.
Miss Brittany and I thank you for the magic you pulled off yesterday with your guidance. I am sure you were there to greet Corrinne and I hope today you both are catching up on lost time and causing the ruckus that we know you are. We joked yesterday that you and her were going to be the ones to cause trouble and poor Mayzie was going to go along with it but probably tell you both the ideas weren't the best. Sometimes I find myself wondering how these words and thoughts are even my normal because it makes less than zero sense that I am conjuring up dreams of what you, a 5, and 6-year-old are doing in heaven.
On the topic of your friends, we decided this year to bring gifts to some of your closest friends for Christmas/Chanukah. Each of your siblings chose which friend they wanted to "adopt" and then we brought it to them. We had to do a last-minute adjustment to Corrinne's gift, but having the knowledge of life on hospice and living life after, I am glad I made the choice that I did. Aba and I also embraced a similar concept and so we bought your siblings the one gift they haven't stopped talking about over the year for their Chanukah present, but they had no idea we were even giving them anything. It was amazing, and they know you are the inspiration behind them receiving it, so it will be the newest tradition in your honor.
We got some amazing new bedding for Bear Pines. Can you believe they had bear and pine tree quilts in black, red, and grey?! I couldn't believe it myself. I had wanted to stay strictly with white, but couldn't pass them up. Plus the place smells like bleach and cleaning sprays after each cleaning so I don't have any concerns that our guests think it might not be clean. We are waiting on the new washer/dryer set and then we will finally have the house complete-ish (shh, aba thinks we are finished with upgrades after those are installed). I have plans to (eventually) do some new interior paint, but it can wait.
Anyway, my love, I hope you are having a blast with all of your friends. We love and miss you!
Until next time.
Love always,
Ema
No comments:
Post a Comment