44 Weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Hey, there baby girl.  Hope you are doing well.  This week has been a lot, to say the least.  For the first time essentially since your celebration in March I left the house to go someplace other than to see you or to Bear Pines.  I took your oldest brother to hockey practice and he was so excited.  Reverting back to a life I had almost forgotten but one I quickly picked back up into, the day was insane with some work meetings, getting dinner together, going to see you (where I found out your monument was coming in Friday-more on that later), and your brother being so excited for me to take him.  I decided why not make it into a "date" and we could grab Starbucks on the way, except the Starbucks near our house was closed, and by habit, I knew the "new" on by PCH would be easy to get into with traffic and it would be quick.  I have only used the Thomas Exit one time since the last time I took you to PCH, for some reason the minute I turned right I knew this was a horrible idea, but I stuck with it.  We ordered our drinks and I got your brother those chocolate Madeline cookies he loves.  I was doing "ok", staring PCH straight in the phase as I went to turn left, BUT then in front of the Christmas tree walking away was Santa and Mrs. Claus, and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  (For all of you who are acutely aware we are religious Jewish, the explanation occurs now.)

Remember in 2018 when you spent December in the hospital?  Remember how they were so amazing and despite knowing we were Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas, the hospital insisted we get toys for you and your siblings?  Remember that polaroid picture of you with Santa and Mrs. Claus that aba rolled his eyes at me for allowing to happen, but I didn't want to be rude, and hey, why not?!  Ya, so that image immediately popped into my head and it was too much.  You would think I would have been done, but no.  I managed to suck it all back inside, after all, the eyes are the only part of my face visible these days, and I did not have my red removing eye drops with me (lesson learned).  We got to the rink with the perfect time to spare so we could have our little date, except, the last time I was at that rink was for a game you were present at.  I changed your diaper on the floor of the car in the space directly in front of where I happened to park the car.  That pretty much did me in for this outing.  I texted a close friend and wondered how on earth I was going to suck it up enough to walk inside and meet people who I have never said hi to.  She had already joked with me after Starbucks and Santa to go home, but inside I went.  Luckily (and not to brag) I am a master of breathing in the tears and sadness and slapping on the fake smile (thanks for assisting in my mastery of this skill.), and I survived my first outing since Corona started and since I last celebrated you.

Going back to your monument.  Earlier in the day Thursday at the cemetery I was initially told your stone would be arriving within the month.  While I was there a proof came in for saba's plaque and then I was told it would actually be arriving Friday.  That was a lot for me to process (and will have it's own dedicated post).  I don't know if I have it in me to see it before we do the unveiling or if I should go so I don't completely fall apart at the unveiling?  I am unsure one will prevent the other?  This is really challenging.  We are going away this week for Tzvi's hockey, so I might use it as my excuse as to why not to go see it.  The irony that going to arrange your rocks and wondering when the monument would come has been replaced with me wanting to avoid the cemetery like the plague because I know it is there.  Oh, and about your rocks.  I am SO sorry that others have caught onto the paintings and are doing similar.  I remind myself imitation is a form of flattery, but honestly, I half-jokingly told the staff not to encourage others when they say how they are "totally going to do that" when they walk by and see them.  There are two other plots now who have embraced coloring every rock that gets place...it makes me want to scream, no matter how irrational it might be. Sigh.

Laeya and I went to Bear Pines to switch out decor and get things together for our next guests this week.  I placed a new winter snowman that also has a ruler to measure snowfall by the trees on the front left side of the house.  Laeya was thinking of names and decided it was a girl and her name would be Snowzee and it is absolutely perfect.  The last thing that I need to do is set up the ice rink, but the 10-day forecast shows absolutely no snow, so I am not entirely in a rush.  My plan would be before our next guests, but the last time I had a plan, Hashem (as usual) laughed and changed them, so. 

This week was the first time I had a dream about you since you died, and there were two.  I didn't like either of them to be perfectly honest, and it took Auntie A interpreting them for me to not panic that they were of you now.  Thankfully Auntie is like the dream whisperer because I was losing my mind.  What I will say is that in both of them there was either equipment of yours that represented you being there, or you were in a hospital bed with tubes and IVs and seizing.  Since I saw your face both Auntie A and Aba said there is no way that it is me having a view into your current world.  Every time someone has told me of a time they have seen you since you died they never see your face and you are happy and you are walking and you aren't sick or seizing.  I am so scared to think that my dreams are your current reality, but Auntie did a good job of making me consider that everything that happened has a deeper meaning.  Then aba told me that he also had a dream with you seizing and in a hospital setting with people taking care of you, but that it was definitely a dream based off of mine because when he saw you the other time, he felt it to his core and this was just the recesses of his mind.  

I guess I have no choice but to have faith that Gan Edan is filled with you running around with your friends, being a typical little girl, and being free.  The alternative of you being in some strange distant place requiring full care without me there to be doing that makes me physically ill, so I am going to attribute everything to the way this week panned out and hope I get to see the current you at some point soon.

I miss you SO much.  I love you. Be safe!

Until next time

Love always, 

Ema