Today is my last monthly letter to you in the year 2020. Today I will place the last monthly rock of 2020. Today will be the last month of 2020 that you haven't been here and in just another month it will be the first year that you won't ever be physically part of. I wish it didn't take sitting down to paint your rock for this all to become so obvious. These next few months are going to feel insurmountable. I am acutely aware of what accepting my grief is going to mean. I am painfully aware of all of these lasts and firsts that are going to be exhausting and beyond difficult to process. I am also not naive enough to think I can actually prepare for what is to come, nor that I am even fully aware of just how horrible it is going to be. I know that our entire journey with you was filled with much of the same uncertainty and emotions, and I managed to sort my way through that forest, so I will just continue attempting the same.
This last month your baby brother turned 3. He misses you, we are all aware of that. He loves the book of you both. He loves to watch videos of you and he loves to look at your pictures. Last night I opened the door to your room to find the glow rock paint box and almost hurt myself stepping onto his magnetic tiles and the Playmobil toys. I hadn't realized he was playing in there while I was working today. We cut his hair and he lost your shared curls. He looks super cute, it's so much easier to not have to brush it, but I do miss seeing your curls on his head. I feel like he looks completely different now.
This month I learned more about your oldest sister's grief and I am working on ways to best help her. To start we are going to take her to see a friend who "gets it". I think that is going to be some of the best medicine for her. I won't lie, seeing her mother will be such a huge bonus for me as well. I am really feeling lost and it would be nice to be lost amongst the company of those who have been there and are in a lot of the same ways still swimming in it, but who have close to your entire lifetime of managing it to date.
Someone asked me this week if I was set up for Chanukah, and it was at that moment that I realized I haven't done a thing for it. I intended to take out the decorations, but now that we will be away, I am a bit relieved it can go in the avoid pile. I know, I am already failing miserably at not running from facing life without you, but, maybe accepting my grief is also accepting I am just not ready to do any holidays without you? Aba asked me after your brother's haircutting on Thanksgiving if every event would feel like it did without you from now on, and then he mentioned how much it sucked, I nodded in agreement. Luckily for us, we have some amazing friends who sent us a huge basket of literally all things Chanukah, and it has been on the counter for a week, so I think that can technically count as decorating?!
This month I started working a bit more, picking up a couple of extra classrooms and kiddos. It has been really awesome overall, but by the end of each day, I am beyond exhausted and done. It is in a way really awesome to still see some of your friends and the kiddos who would have potentially been in your class. It is also nice to be in that life even in a virtual setting, even though it doesn't involve me doing much. It feels so familiar and it brings a smile to my face when I provide an opportunity that I know will help another family communicate better with their kiddo. It is usually because of your inspiration. You have no idea how much you did for my education. To think there was a point in my career where I was frozen in fear meeting a non-verbal child with your quality of complexities and I had zero ideas of what I was doing, it makes me feel even more fortunate for my time with you. (Although, I do wish it could have been longer, luckily for me in the land of being an SLP my caseload will forever be primarily the ages of your life)
Not much to report on Meena or Tzvi. They both keep asking me for their picture books with you and them respectively. I really need to add that to my list of "needs to get done asap". If only I could have a couple more hours in the day I could get so much more done. It really does make me wonder how I was so talented when you were here. Or maybe I was just doing that much less outside of your care? I am unsure, the jury will remain out.
Anyway my love. I miss you more than words can express. I hope you are enjoying your first winter in Gan Eden and that things are well.
Until next time.
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