Monday, December 21, 2020

46 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

These last 7 days have felt like some weird extended eternity.  They started out amazing as we finished up with our trip at Harper's, but finished off with the hole in my heart growing.  I managed to convince aba to drive straight back to Phoenix, which took us 17 hours, but in my mind was completely worth it.  I didn't end up sleeping like everyone else when we got home, so I cleaned the house and attempted to do the sheets I had waiting for Bear Pines since we have so many upcoming guests.  Naturally, the washing machine died so I packed up everything and headed to Flagstaff.  Aba made me promise to stay and sleep before driving home since at this point I had not slept in close to two days.  I reluctantly obliged while driving there, but then the washing machine in Flagstaff also broke, so staying overnight happened by default anyway.  We have a new machine coming to Phoenix tomorrow, and Flagstaff will be getting a new washer/dryer combo shortly.

I saw your monument before driving to Flagstaff.  It is as amazing in person as it was when I designed it on paper, but to see it in the flesh is still something I am having a challenge doing.  I spent the entire time crying while rearranging all of your rocks.  I had planned how the rocks would be placed for months, but to see it in person is a lot.  We are waiting for your bench and the yahrtzeit candle, hopefully, they will both be in soon.  

I found out that your bestie will be joining you shortly wherever it is you hang these days and one of ema's close friend's mom passed away this weekend.  I found myself standing under the pavilion at Mt. Sanai today doing my damndest to not have flashbacks of the few parts I remember.  Luckily for me, I was in charge of the zoom guests, so I was preoccupied holding my phone the entire time.  You know how I hate to cry in public, so I would roll my eyes up and then would catch sight of the same fan I stared at for however long it was I did on February 4.  I am thankful I still have minimal recollection of the details of that day.

My heart is this indescribable broken that truly cannot be comprehended unless someone's child has died, and yet, it still manages to break even more.  I cannot tell you how happy I am that you are no longer locked in your body and suffering and that soon the friends of yours that are still facing similar challenges eventually won't be either, but it is a horrible consolation for us parents.  I hate watching what was once our parent to parent Friday morning group social time with you and your friends and their moms/dads transition into this alternative club sans you and your friends.  It was one thing to fear becoming the next but I have learned it is far worse knowing friends of mine will be the next.  My heart nor my brain is capable of processing any more of your friends joining you.  It just isn't right and I wish it would stop!

On a positive ending, your brother had two hockey games yesterday.  One was an actual league game and he scored his second goal of the season!  It was amazing to be there to see it in person and he was so proud of himself as were we!  I had just jokingly texted Mrs. Zupnick saying that I was dressed in my gold sequin boots and completely decked out in all things Jr. Sun Devils so he owed me a goal.  Who knew a request could be so simple?!  

Anyway, my love, I cannot believe in 10 days it will be the last day of 2020 and the last day of the last year you spent any time here on earth.  On the same note, it will be just 3 weeks from your Hebrew anniversary date, which we are even more connected with because it is also my Hebrew birthday, and it will also be a day shy of 5 weeks from your English anniversary date.  

I miss you beyond words and hope you are doing well!  I love you lots!

Until next time, 

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

No comments:

Post a Comment