8 Months

Dear Sonzee Bear, 

It is surreal it has been 8 entire months since you died.  Aba said the other night how it can't believe how it was only 8 months ago because it feels like a lifetime ago.  I added in, but yet yesterday.  It is honestly so difficult to explain how time warps itself even more than the intangible concept it already is.  It is much easier to use it as a measure of telling someone the time of day vs trying to use it as a way to explain the gaps in time, both forward and back.  A lifetime seems accurate in terms of how much our lives have shifted since you were here but all those times are so engrained in my mind I can vividly remember them as if they all were just yesterday.

This week a friend of your's mom called and we talked for over an hour, tears were shared on both sides for different but yet similar reasons.  My heart literally understands and feels the pain of confusion in trying to make sure she is doing her absolute best, tinged with the always present lingering doubt of wondering if this is some sign that means she should alter the extreme interventions.  That feeling as a parent doesn't wane.  There is always doubt over whether too little or too much is done.  I said to her the words someone said to me, that I now to truly know is the truth since I have been living it for the last 8 months.  No matter what choice is made at the time, you will over-analyze each and every one forever, wondering if it was the right one, so make the choice in your gut .  There is hardly any solace in the day to day and even after the lifetime that has passed there isn't always a constant state of peace. 

I felt like within the last few days death has surrounded me.  Children your age going onto hospice, a high profile mom losing her baby.  I am honestly not even able to process other losses yet.  I don't know how to describe it besides numb,  Maybe it is to protect myself from going too far back into an emotion I haven't yet fully allowed myself to accept and deal with?  I am not sure, but there is a part of me that wants to just reach out and wrap my arms around these people and offer some sort of support, but yet there is a part of me that simply, just cant.  I feel drained and exhausted over the prospect.  I wonder if that will change?  I know from others I am close to who's children died before you, that its normal to get dragged deeper into grief from other children dying or on that road.

My heart is really heavy this month.  The whole wacky concept of time is playing with my mind and emotions.  We are so close to 9 months, which means a year is around the corner, which is just something so challenging to grasp.  Luckily my mind gets overwhelmed when I start down that rabbit hole and it literally shuts off so I don't have to even consider processing it, but then the current time period smacks me in the face.  So for today and the next 28 days I will focus on it only being 8 months and all the special things we will continue to do in your honor, until another month has gone by,

Love always, 

Ema