Tuesday, September 29, 2020

34 Weeks 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

The last week has been another tough one. Yesterday was Yom Kippur and the book of life was sealed.  I can't figure out how it makes me feel to know last year you weren't written in it.  Your cause of death determined and your fate essentially written in stone.  I distinctly remember praying that if you were not inscribed into the book of life that you be taken peacefully.  I am grateful that at least that request was honored to its fullest potential possible.  Besides the fear of the unknown, one of my biggest fears was you suffering in your death.  Thankfully you never did, or at least never appeared to, so I hope that was the case.

Both your sisters decided to compete for number one injured last week.  Laeya fractured her hand, and Meena somehow removed a chunk from her eye.  We see the specialist for Laeya's hand tomorrow, and Dr. Cassidy squeezed us in the same day to take a look at Meena's eye (more proof there is a g-d-hehe).  He made a comment about how it didn't need stitches and I honestly for a moment chuckled and thought he was kidding until I realized he doesn't joke, eek and phew.  She is on eye meds for a week and then drops for the entire month of October.  During Meena and Noam's spring appointment Aba let Dr. Cassidy know you left us, but it was the first time I have stepped foot into that office since you last went.  I ran into a parent of a kiddo I worked with last year at FBC west, she and then Miss. Monique both came over to talk to me.  The more I slowly begin to venture out, the more I will have to remind myself people haven't seen me yet in person to give their condolences.  It's one of those moments where it makes me swell with joy that you meant so much to people and they haven't forgotten you and want to let me know that, paired with can I hide behind sunglasses in a corner and not draw any attention to myself.

34 weeks.  How has that even happened?  I had been thinking the last couple of days how your siblings haven't mentioned too much about you.  Noam did scream for us to bring him his "Sonzee and Me" book the other night, but the other three are pretty quiet.  Then yesterday Noam did one of his bite down on dumbo while he shakes his body moves that he thinks is funny and cute and Laeya looked like she had seen a ghost and told him to stop doing it.  He of course being Bossy Baby thought he was being super cute, so did it again, to which she said "stop, you are reminding me of when Sonzee had a seizure and it scares me".  I knew immediately what he was doing, so I told him sternly to stop because he has done it in front of me a few times and I also DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT.  Maybe in another lifetime it would like a cute 2 year old just squeezing his hands and body, but if any of us never again see a human shake it would still be too soon. 

I officially booked our first family pictures that won't have you physically in them.  I think the we are doing the next best thing to having you in them.  I am almost getting excited to have them taken and to see them.  I haven't decided if I will put them throughout the house, but baby steps.

Anyway my love.  I can't believe this weekend it will officially be 8 months since you were last here.  We miss you beyond words.  We love you SO much!

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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