Every once and a while I go into the backend of Sonya's Story business page and scroll through the posts I have yet to react to the comments of or mark as completed. It is usually in the middle of the night when my ability to sleep is far enough away that I am just starting to be aware of the burn in my eyes. The type A person in me hates to see the red notification alert and the number of how many items remain. Inevitably I get antsy with scrolling by date, mainly because it makes me feel like the task is insurmountable when it takes me 20 minutes to get through whatever the current month is, tonight it happens to be October. I then decided to start to type letters and have smaller lists to mark complete, but didn't give the letters I typed much though and began with Jan.
I worked through some from January 2018 (I know, I am really behind), then 2019 (I had forgotten how bad that month was), and then naturally, because it was January, stumbled across my post about hospice. If I could explain the feeling that consumes my body when it comes to certain flashbacks, it would still most probably not do it justice. It's an immediate chill complete with this prickling sensation that overtakes me, it then strikes really hard at my chest and travels up into my head and leaves me feeling like I was punched in the chest but mixed with this coldness that penetrates my core as if I was damp and sitting in 40 degrees outside. The waves of chills continue for a bit; and all the while I continue to read through the hundreds of comments I never could previously stomach. That is a mixture of heartache and appreciation.
Gosh, this journey has been so unfair. She was never even given a fair chance, it makes so frustrated for her, so sad for everyone who loves her, and just heartbroken in general. I am grateful and thankful for how her living journey ended, I couldn't have dreamed up a better scenario...except for one where it never needed to even be a consideration of a dream.