We survived our first Simchas Torah without you. I know if we had ever asked you, that would have been your most favorite holiday. I remember how initially aba didn't want to take you to dance around the Torah when you were an infant because "you wouldn't like it", but I made him anyway. I told him there was no way he could know when he hadn't even offered you the opportunity, so with me standing from the woman's section, I watched eagerly as he pushed you around with everyone dancing with you. Meena and her friends always climbing into the stroller to sit practically on you, every other year someone broke the footrest or the front portion of whatever stroller or wheelchair we sent you. You absolutely LOVED it. I was SO beyond thankful things weren't back to enough normal here in Phoenix (for me at least) to have to go watch that dancing without you being there. Aba wore you on his socks, did you notice yours are red? (I am going to get him some more of you)
This weekend was tough, I won't lie, but I suppose there have been and will continue to be worse days. Aba danced with your siblings around the counter and I had to really hide the tears in my eyes as I watched Noam hold onto Meena. I wondered if you had been here if he would have pushed you or if you would have been pushed by aba? I can sometimes picture you participating as if you are here, not sure if that is better or worse. It certainly makes pretending I am ok near impossible, but I am pretty smooth at this point at getting passed the moments unnoticed.
The issue though is then in talking to Auntie A thinking I am fine and then being unable to get through the story without the tears. I went to tell her our across the street neighbors had their 2nd grandchild. I saw them get out of the car and I could tell with all of the items being taken out there was going to be a newborn baby to follow. I started to daydream back to the times of Laeya and Tzvi and I was thinking about how we used to be like that, parents of two. Ziva was over playing with your siblings and they were all running up and down the driveway being silly and laughing. As I stared my mind said, yes I am sure her looking over here will be like yup, 5 is insane...and then as if I was slapped awake from a dream Ziva ran by me with one of her infectious smiles and red cheeks from running down the driveway and I realized "oh, wait". That pretty much sucked the life out of me.
So many moments like that have been occurring lately. Apparently, aba has felt a bit similar. Maybe it is just how this goes? We are halfway through October and despite knowing the cemetery will call me when your monument arrives I hold my breath every time I drive up to you. I am half-filled with excitement over potentially seeing it and relief when I see that it isn't up. Aba and I want to do something "biggish" for the unveiling, COVID19 style that is. I am thinking of a zoom debut? I also have started to think about what we will do to honor your one year anniversary. The time seems to be sneaking by so quickly, I feel now would be a good time to start really figuring out what we want to do. I wonder what things will be like in spring regarding Corona. That will certainly play a role.
I miss you beyond words! We love and miss you so so much!