38 Weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Close to 40ish weeks ago we formally placed you into hospice care.  38 weeks ago I gave you the last kiss on your cheek you ever received from anyone.  Between the next two weeks or so, mothers will be giving their babies they have been dreaming of over this same time period their very first kisses they will ever receive.  The only word I can think of is insanity, I am sure there are others more appropriate, but they might sound a bit bitter, which isn't really how I am feeling.  I would say hurt, heartbroken, confused, and out of place would be more appropriate, but yet even they still don't do the emotions justice.  They also really don't fully explain much to anyone not in this club, which also seems unfair in and of itself.

The further time goes on, the more I feel myself unravel a bit more.  I feel like the world just keeps moving at whatever normal speed was or really is, but I want to scream STOP!  It's NOT normal to have to live without you.  Life shouldn't be continuing on without you here with us.  We shouldn't be a party of 6...we ARE a party of 7.  I feel like the world doesn't get it, and let's be honest, people don't, but also at the same time they shouldn't, it's just me who wishes they would?  

It's weird how while you were here with us we really couldn't sweat the small stuff or the mundane parts of life because the challenges we faced were really traumatic and literally life and death.  But, now you are gone, and we have faced death, and honestly, even the challenges we once faced feel smaller than the reality and concept of you being dead, so I care even less about what the majority of the world might consider a code red.  (I still hold my stance that everyone's challenges are individualized to them and so my challenges don't make someone else's less, they might be huge for them, so I am not diminishing that at all, they just aren't anything that if I was faced with would affect me the same.) 

Your sisters, little brother, and I stayed at Bear Pines an extra night because what was initially a huge chance at possible snowfall has been decreased to possibly an in the middle of the night snow shower, so we are here and I will wake them up to hopefully see the first snowfall of the season.  They have an eye drs appointment in Phoenix in the morning, so we will be up early anyway to drive back, but honestly, it matters more for them to get this experience, so I will do what I can!  They were so excited pulling out all of their winter clothing.  It is currently 44 but feels like 30.  I have every weather map up I can find to give me some hope we might all see a snowflake.  The last time we saw one, you were with us here and we took you sledding.

Tzvi scored his very first goal in squirts today!  It was a beautiful shot, he even tripped and fell and still made it in!  I was so proud of him!  He is really becoming a solid little player!  He is even playing with a mask on which I know isn't exactly easy for him.  His team won 10-3, it was really something to see.

Anyway baby girl, I love and miss you a lot!  I hope to see you in my dreams soon, whether I am ready or not...it's been too long! 

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema