Knowing the why

There are just some days and weeks where this journey of grief is more challenging than others.  I wish I knew what made that the case.  I wish I knew why there are times I am seemingly fine and other times where I feel like I am a dam about to break.  A little over 6 months in and I am getting better at recognizing when one of these levee failures is on the brink, but I have yet to master the art of being okay enough with it to just go with its flow.

I still struggle with fighting the inevitable until I have zero say in the matter and the tears come out despite my best efforts. All the emotions are just too much to handle and then every aspect of my life feels the weight.  For some reason, rainy days seem to make things worse...maybe because they resemble tears and I know it's time for me to just give in to the grief?

I can name the little bits of life that are contributing to the soon to be unavoidable tear-fest.  I suppose I should be thankful I am able to keep myself from breaking down after every little thing the moment it has occurred.  I suppose it is healthy and it is one of those necessary evils, but I do wish I knew the real why. Like why after a certain amount of time looking at her pictures and videos, it is just simply too much?  Or why there are certain comments, especially the innocent ones, that take my breath away or pierce into my heart like a dagger?   And why I have to rationalize that she really is in a better place. 

But then I also wonder, would knowing the why really make a difference?