Tuesday, August 25, 2020

29 weeks and 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

I am having one of those periods where I feel like I am being consumed by my missing you.  It's the time where the tears aren't far from falling or just fall on their own and it is more difficult to swallow them and pretend like I am not actually a bereaved mother.  I actually commented in one of the "special needs moms" groups I have been unable to leave but typically have on mute and I wrote about you had given me a plethora of experience in the area the poster had stated but that you had died.  It was met with a fellow bereaved mother who buried her little girl, also at the age of 4 just shy of turning 5...12 years ago.  She also had seizures.  I went out of my comfort zone and sent her a private message.  I supposed you are bringing her into my life for a reason, so I will embrace it.

Last week a few of "my kiddos" at work received some of your items we had just sitting around collecting dust.  I decided I am going to compile a book of pictures of everyone who is able to benefit from your things, I just decided as I am writing this that I will call it "Sonzee's Stuff".  It will be another one of those double edged swords, but ultimately knowing we are able to help others keeps it possible.  I am working on a couple of other projects in your honor, and I am so proud of your story and the continued chapters that are still being written without your physical presence.  

I haven't made it "Facebook official" yet, but your brother is retiring in his red, white, and blue hockey team for a team with two different colors.  I am waiting for all of his gear to be ordered or for him to at least sport a team shirt beforehand.  I keep wondering what you would think about no more red hat or comfy red boots?  I mean lets be honest, you only used the boots as projectiles anyway, so maybe you wouldn't have minded to trade them in for a different pair?  I am nervous for the day it comes to fill out the extra items form because I always made sure you had your own set of items, and made your sisters share.  I won't need an additional blanket, an extra shirt, sweatshirt, or beanie just for you.  Crazy the things my mind tries to prepare itself for.

The finishing touches are almost all complete here at Bear Pines.  I think once the final picture is hung and the interior is complete I am just going to sit on the floor and cry.  It's just such an overwhelming feeling to know this entire house is based off of you and your essence.  Anyone who stays here and knows you will be able to pick up on all the little bits of Sonzee inspiration.  I might be setting myself up for disappointment, but I can imagine those who knew and loved you having to hold back a tear or two themselves when they walk through the door.  It's such a crazy thing to feel you here.  So much so I haven't physically been to your grave in over a week and I am doing okay.  (Auntie A and Uncle Mathias checked on you after the storm last week and Facetimed me while they were there, they appreciated your extra special breeze...and Auntie A was better prepared this time.)

I finally gave in and allowed your sisters to watch Descendants.  It was not at all what I anticipated, but to be honest I never even looked into what it actually was and thought it was meant for older kids. I am somehow forgetting the whole aging process and that if you should be 5.5 than your sisters can't still be.  It was a really good movie honestly, and so naturally it led me to listen to some of the music from all 3 movies, and so I will leave you with this.

And you can find me in the space between
Where two worlds come to meet
I'll never be out of reach
'Cause you're a part of me so you can find me in the space between
You'll never be alone
No matter where you go
We can meet in the space between
Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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