I constantly find myself floating between two worlds, a world that included Sonzee as an active member of our family and a world that no longer does. I think floating is the best word to describe my feelings because it describes an act that is noncommital, unsettled, and indicates fluctuation and variability. I am not fully part of either world, but I am also not far from either at any given moment. I hover in between both because it seems impossible to leave the world of her being a physical member behind and to fully accept the world where she isn't here. Will I ever be ready? Do I even have to be?
A significant part of being in this floating position is feeling confused and a sense of guilt or injustice depending on which way I go. I can't stay fully in the past, it is physically possible and isn't really healthy emotionally. I can't allow myself to move completely forward either because she needs to come. There are times when seemingly straight forward questions, such as "how many children live in your house?" lend themselves to more complicated answers. I don't know what the right answer is. The question itself is innocent, direct, and written in an almost creative manner. It is written to yield a numerical value, a value that is the absolute current truth, but yet when writing it, it leaves out so much. The answer feels like a lie to write down on the paper because it wasn't always the truth.
Math is direct, it is black and white, one plus one will always equal two. But, thankfully in math, you always need to "show your work". You have to explain how you got the answer because even if you know how you got to the answer, not everyone else does. The answer might end up being more than the simple question that was asked required, but life isn't always simple.
Maybe floating serves a purpose? Maybe it is some sort of mental balance? Maybe it is where I will always find myself to honor life with her and life since she physically left. Maybe it is exactly where I need to be?