April 16

Thursday, April 16, we meet again.  Who knew that 5 years from the day we first met I would be honoring you alone, missing the crucial piece that gave you whatever meaning it is you now have.  You are a day that I honestly don't think about for an entire year after you pass, but a day that I dread as you creep slowly towards me on the calendar.  I wonder if there will ever be a time I am at peace over what it is you actually represent.  I wonder if you will ever hold a bigger purpose than to just be another horrible, nagging reminder of all the pain that you brought with you that day in a small square office off of the 101 and 51st Avenue.  I wonder if I will ever forgive you for now being another day that I can no longer spin into something positive because allowing you into our lives ultimately allowed you to take her away.

April 16, you have always been a double-edged sword for me.  I have always tried honor and give recognition to what you have become, a date of vital significance, but one I wish didn't exist.  You will always be a date that I pay homage to the fact that you brought us an answer, albeit one we never wanted and one that at one point we didn't think could even exist.  You will always be a date that changed the course that our family was taking, and maybe one day I will realize it was for the best, it was something we could handle, and it was what was meant to be.  Somehow I don't think any of those sentiments will heal my heart, and they don't offer an ounce of cushion for the havoc that we all have endured over the past 5 years.

It has been 2 months and 13 days since she was taken away from me. 2 months and 13 days since I last got to feel her in my arms and since I last gave her a kiss.  It has been 2 months and 13 days since we became a physical family of 6; two boys, two living girls, and a daughter who died.  It was 2 months and 13 days ago that the fear that was always attached to the string of letters that was printed on the piece of paper no longer was fear but real and tangible.  But if I am honest with you, it was on our first encounter, 5 years ago that you essentially stole her from me.  In exchange for a measly piece of paper you took every dream I had for her, every dream I had for her and her siblings, every dream I had for our family, and every dream I stopped making that day.  If I loathe any day of the year, it is today, April 16, and while I am unsure if that is fair given you were just the messenger, I don't know if you can ever really be forgiven.