12 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

In 1.5 hours it will have been 12 weeks since you were physically here with me.  Mrs. Gayle came by yesterday with a box of 4 heart shaped red infused glass rocks.  She made them herself.  I was inside when I saw her bring the box over to aba and I quickly ran outside to see what was inside.  I was glad she was back by the car because my eyes filled with happy tears.  She included a note to do what I wanted with them, so for today I brought you one.  The other 3 are still in the box by my desk,  but at least 2 more will eventually make their way over to you at the right times.

This last week has been filled with so many different emotions towards your absence. It was the first week I was the recipient of some of those “did they really just say that” statements.  You know the ones that make Ema’s head cock to the side and say “mmhhhmm”.  I wasn’t so to speak offended because I honestly haven’t been able to stop laughing over the fact that they were actually said.  But no, I am not over the loss of you yet and losing a parent is entirely different than losing a child.  I honestly am still surprised with myself that I am still able to be shocked by people, you would think that after 36 years I wouldn’t be.

I learned this week that hummingbirds favorite color is red and now I am actually contemplating planting flowers that would attract them to the house.  I know that has to be making you laugh hysterically at the mere thought, because no my ability of keeping flowers and plants alive has not changed in the past 12 weeks.  I also have zero desire to deal with the bugs that inevitably would visit the plants; if only there were away to just get the butterflies and hummingbirds without the insects and bumblebees.  Who knows though, maybe tending to some pretty flowers are what I need to put use of all of the time I used to spend on your care?  Maybe it will make me feel like I haven’t completely lost my purpose?  Or at the very least maybe it’ll just be a good hobby for me?

We hit our first days of 100 over the weekend.  In case you forgot, it’s really really hot.  I ordered myself one of those huge floppy hats to start to wear when I see you because as it is over the last 11 weeks my face has taken a brutal hit with the sun exposure..  I invested in some higher spf sunscreen as well, and wish the cemetery offered covered tents, but since they don’t, I am considering a portable umbrella with a spray mister to bring.  I switched from coming in the afternoon to more mid-morning, and at least there is a breeze, albeit warm. As long as we are here I’ll be visiting you daily, and honestly the heat and sun are more bearable than living without you and since I feel the closest to you at the cemetery, that’s where I’ll be.

Looking at pictures of you over the last 5 years have been making me miss you more.  I find myself saying how I wish I could go back to those days.  I wonder multiple times throughout each day what you would be doing at those specific moments.  I wonder how you would have enjoyed your school zoom class.  I wonder if you would still insist on nurse Paige taking your for a walk even though it’s a gazillion degrees outside.  How would your seizures be? Would they have finally started to settle down now that you would officially be 5?  Would you have been able to sit independently?  So many questions I won’t ever have the answers to.

As always I will end my letter with hoping you are having fun and staying safe while letting you know we all miss you such a huge amount there are no words that could adequately convey it! Until next time.

Love always,

Ema