From the moment Sonzee passed I felt a sense of calmness, an immediate peace. It is a huge relief to know she is no longer suffering, to know she is no longer going to be in pain, to know she is no longer going to be trapped in her body, to know she is free. That peace and calmness are due to my faith, it is due to the belief that being in heaven (Gan Eden) means she is free from her earthly challenges and limitations, but to be honest, there is a part of me that lacks some confidence in that belief. There is a part of me that needs to see some proof, there is a part of me that is wondering what exactly she is doing and wonders if she really is ok.
I wish I knew who was there to greet her when she left us last Monday. I wish I knew who was holding her hand and giving her a tour. I wish I knew if she was able to check in on us, to see that we are missing her, but hearing us say how grateful we all are that she is no longer suffering. I wish I knew if she was making new friends and if she was able to meet up with her friends who passed before her. I wish I knew if she was missing us and scared and who was there to comfort her on her tough days. I wish I knew who was playing the role of her ema and if they are enough to help her adjust.
Today I spent a large portion of the day curled up in her bed, thinking about how I am going to decorate her grave on Monday for her birthday on Tuesday. I let the events of the last 3 weeks playout in my mind, reliving every moment, analyzing our decisions, and wondering if there was any way we could have changed the outcome. I know deep down unless we had a crystal ball last August we never had a chance of changing the course. I also know even if we had that ball, all that would have done is let us know our time with her was nearing its end, and to be honest, I felt it in my soul anyway. I know we did our best, I know her body never stood a chance and I know she has to be better off anywhere but here. But I wish I could sneak a peak in through a tiny window for just 10 seconds to see if she was floating in a pool eating an ice cream sundae or running around with some friends, or sitting in a swing feeling the breeze hit her face...just so my heart could maybe be in the same book as my brain.