I am sorry I am a day late writing you a letter, but yesterday, on what should have been your fifth birthday was a really really "horrible, no good very bad day." I wish there was a word in the English language to describe what I am feeling, but as of this moment, there is nothing sufficient. I am still extremely elated that you are no longer suffering. That is honestly the main focus I have when the times are really tough, just a quick reminder that you are not in pain, not seizing, and not locked inside your body, and the panic of you gone melts away. As a consolation, all those years aba and I said we wish we could take away your pain and suffering and have it be us who feels it, well that is about where we are, and honestly, it makes us proud to be the ones to do that for you, but it puts the experience of your pain and suffering on an entirely different level, I am still so sorry for you having to go through it all.
I hope you were able to see we decorated your grave. I placed Mayzie's pinwheel from her celebration of life by your name plaque, it brightens up the entire cemetery, well that and the giant red "5" balloon that I attached to the garden flag pole. I originally wanted a new birthday burlap flag for you, but Amazon had a fail, and despite the two nice gentlemen at Amazon who heard all about the need to decorate your grave, they couldn't figure out where in Phoenix the package was, so, in the end, I brought you the house cupcake burlap and hung it, which honestly worked out for the best.
The rabbi told me after your funeral that your soul would linger in the house for a bit and then slowly leave by the end of shiva. I originally asked him if I would be able to notice and if it would make me feel better, he couldn't answer that, thankfully having no experience in this specific department, however, I can now. I continued to sleep in your bed after you were no longer here, I cannot explain why, but that is where I went every night. I swear I felt you hovering over the bed the first couple of nights, which by the way, (didn't we discuss ema has a thing about that). By Sunday night I wasn't being physically pulled to your room, and Aba and I got up to walk around the block on Monday. I slept in your bed on Monday night, but last night for the first time in 3 weeks, I didn't feel the need. I take it as a sign that you are moving through whatever the process really is, and I am thankful I have not held you back.
Noam sang happy birthday specifically to you in the car yesterday on his own, unprompted after we were about 1/2 way home from the cemetery. I was able to catch it on video and it was so sweet. He knows you aren't here, so while he takes every opportunity to find you in pictures and talk about you he hasn't run into your room searching for you. I am a bit relieved about that honestly. Your older siblings are working through it all similarly to aba and I, not really sure how to process it all, feeling your absence, but so happy you aren't suffering. Laeya wanted to know if eating the ice cream made you wonder why you took so long to go to Gan Eden in the first place. Don't worry, we are not giving Meena your bedroom no matter how much she has begged, and she does miss you. Eventually, I have a great plan for your room so we all will have a space to come be with you, and we are probably going to keep your Rifton chair so you can continue to be an awesome goalie for Tzviki.
I have been going through videos and pictures of your life to create a video for your celebration that we have in about 3 weeks, that process has brought such a smile on my face seeing how smiley and happy you were during your first year and a half. I have to really sit down and figure out the specifics of the event to make sure we do it justice for you. I am channeling my inner Sonzee bear strength minute by minute and I thank you for sharing some with me. I hope you are settling into your new home well and that you are having the time of your life. So many people reached out to me yesterday and wished you a happy birthday. We have received so many notifications of donations being made in your honor, gifts, "thank you's" for bringing awareness and sharing your story, and Mimi and Miki even planted a huge avocado tree in their yard in your honor. I honestly do not know how to properly thank everyone for all of their love and support, and I hope you feel the love wherever you are.
I hope your birthday was as spectacular as I imagined it to be for you. I hope someone takes it as seriously as I do and you didn't feel like you were missing out. We did have cupcakes and cake in your honor as we would have if you were here. We miss you every second of every day and please feel free to send me signs you are doing ok (just please don't hover over the bed like your siblings do in the middle of the night).
With love always,