Time

It’s been 3 weeks. When I say that it sounds like it has been hardly any time, yet the reality is that it feels like it’s been so long.  At the same time everything about life with Sonzee feels like it was just happening yesterday. I can look at the pictures of her life each day as they pop up in memories from over the last 5 years and tell the details surrounding the image, but I cannot believe it’s been 21 days since I gave her a kiss and carried her out of the house for the last time. I feel like I’m traveling in a train through a tunnel at full speed looking at a blurred landscape flying by.  I’m fearful of the train slowing down.

I’m torn in a mental limbo, worried about what will happen when my brain admits that life without her now is permanent, that it will be my forever, and wondering how even though it was four whole years she spent with us I feel like I have to remind myself she wasn’t just a dream, she was actually here, she did actually live.  I have pictures all around of her, equipment of hers unoccupied in our room, the supplies that literally kept her living for all of her life in the hallway, everything is unavoidable, I see constant reminders of her everywhere, yet it all feels like none of it happened.

I find myself wanting time to stand still so I don’t have to accept the time passing by without her, but I don’t want to deal with life without her in it, so I want the time to keep passing by.  I want to keep her things around as a visual reminder that she once lived in our house, but I want anything anyone else can benefit from to get out and I want the rest of the daily reminders gone.  I dislike the yin and yang going on in my mind, I wish I could figure it all out today...but I guess it will just have to all come with time.