I was doing fine yesterday. Well, maybe that isn't exactly the truth. I should probably be honest and say I was doing fine because I have almost perfected the art of ignoring potential triggers. I know I should stop ignoring them, I know I should allow myself to really feel the emotions as they come and let everything out, but I am just not ready yet. I know that doesn't sound all that intelligent, because when will I ever really be ready? I do not have that answer, but I know for right now it is just too much. So like I was saying, I was doing fine yesterday...until I took my oldest to swim.
Two weeks ago Sam took our youngest to his swim class who also happens to be with Sonzee's coach Ed. He mentioned to Sam the pink float that he really only used with Sonzee was in the same spot since the last time she used it. He mentioned he couldn't bring himself to move the float (thankfully no one else has either). I get it. Sonzee's pacifiers and glasses still hang in the same spot since the last time we removed them from her. Her backpack still hangs on the feeding pole, her cell phone we used for seizure tracking hasn't been moved from the pocket in her bag, I honestly doubt it is even on since it has not been charged in close to a month. There are just some things that take time.
I have been to swim multiple times since Sam told me about the float, but for some reason, I didn't think about it any of those times. Then yesterday, I took my oldest to her swim class. I sat down in the same chair I always sit in facing the pool, just sipping my iced mocha, and there it was, the pink float not on the hook, sitting in a crate staring at me. It wasn't up on the hook, it was just sitting in the crate waiting for "the next time" it was going to be used by Sonzee. Clearly, a lot of us were just not ready for no more next times. I don't know how I will feel when the float is eventually put back up on its hook, but seeing it in the crate and realizing she hasn't been at swim in 6 weeks made the tears fill my eyes.
Having the float down helps my heart to know how loved she really was, it is a clear reminder that I am not the only one missing her or feeling a void. I guess a lot of us are just not ready to accept that she isn't coming back. Or maybe it is just that we know that she isn't, but we would rather not have things constantly remind us of that fact. Maybe for now it is better for some of us to keep some things the way they were so we can have more moments where we are fine.