Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Dealing with "It"

I am currently riding at the bottom of the coaster.  The part right after the steep drop and right before the track begins to quickly twist and turn, and you find yourself unsure which way is up or down and where exactly you are in relation to the start and finish.  The part where you take a second to regain focus and grip tighter on the harness because your stomach is in knots and you aren't quite sure what you are feeling or thinking.  The part where your mind is almost blank because even that is disoriented and needing a moment to find itself.  It is safe to say I do not like this portion of the coaster at all.  In fact, if the coaster could stop so I could walk to the emergency exit it would be greatly appreciated.

This part of the coaster in relation to this journey is one that today I would say I dislike the most.  The part brings on doubts, clouds my judgement, blurs the future, and makes me one hot emotional mess.  The type of mess that really doesn’t care if I am out in public with visible red eyes, dark circles, and others might be made to feel awkward when they look at me because they can see the pain on my face and tears in my eyes.  It’s the part of the journey where the words “I don’t know how you do it” make me think in my head and want to say aloud, “It’s all a fa├žade, if you ask me something specific I am going to hysterically cry right in front of you and you’ll see I am not doing “it” at all”.

Let us have a moment of pure unfiltered honesty.  “It” sucks.  “It” hurts.  “It” is awful.  I would not wish “It” on my worst enemy.  “It” is so indescribably difficult.  I wish “It” would not leave me feeling empty, guilty, or unsure.  I wish “It” would not cause me to doubt every decision we have made or cast a shadow of doubt over the past, present, and future situations.  I wish “It” did not result in some unfair decision that ultimately came down to choosing the “best of the worst”.  I wish I was not having to deal with “It”.

It has been 15 months since Sonzee came into our family.  I wish I could say that we had blissful moments as a family of six that were rudely interrupted by seizures, doctors, and illness, but that is not the case.  20 minutes after she was born we were thrown into “It”.  15 months of facing the most challenging experience of my life.  15 months of continuous unknowns.  15 months filled with more ups and downs than a person should have to psychologically deal with in one lifetime.  The very worst part of “It” is that I do not want “It” to ever end.  

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