Monday, March 28, 2022

112 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

Today at 1:08pm marks 112 Mondays since you left.  In case you weren't aware, that is a LOT of Mondays. This week was a grief group week.  Laeya, Meena, and I continue to go while the boys go to hockey.  Some families came in after us and have closed out because they are in a "good space" or have the tools and don't need to go.  There is a part of me that wonders if that will ever be me. I joked with my group leader that I will be there until I become a volunteer myself.  I am sort of stuck between wanting to move forward and not go, and being unable to do that just yet.  Your sisters vary from week to week, but FINALLY, Laeya admitted she liked going this week. I will take that as a huge win.  Meena always runs up to her group leader to give her a big hug, especially if it's after we miss a session, and really she only complains about going if she is extra tired.  When you were alive and I would debate if I should take you to the hospital or not, pop-pop would say, "If you are debating whether you should be going or not, you should be going".  I guess I will just continue to follow that advice.

Your brother's hockey season came to a close this week.  It was his last year as a squirt, but it feels like he just became one. It is crazy he will be a pee-wee next season.  Tryouts for fall are May 19, for the spring season, he is going to be doing skills and other sessions.  We might have a few days off from the drive this week, but knowing him and aba, they will find a reason to head down to Gilbert.  This season didn't end with his name on a plaque or with a medal, but for the first time, we found our place on a team.  I am just worried it will all have to change next year.  I have my bedazzled sweatshirts and shirts, so I have zero desire to trade any of that in, but we will see how the cookie crumbles. 

This week your sister mentioned to me that she felt guilty after you died because she did not pray that morning.  It was one of those moments that caught me completely off guard. She was working on a school project, I was cooking dinner and she just casually mentioned it like it was just a typical conversation.  My heart stopped for a minute.  A therapist once told me that children can think some abstract things, but I had zero idea that she was carrying such a weight.  I took a few moments to gain my composure and I said, "Laeya, you do know that you not praying that morning didn't matter right?", She said she knew that you were going to die anyway, and I assured her that was the case; as hard as that is to say, it is the truth.  I still wish your siblings didn't have to deal with any of this.  I wish you didn't have to have the struggles you lived with either.  I wish your life could have been different. I hope on one of your visits you can assure her that she had nothing to do with your timing of death. 

112 weeks and I have no idea what you have been doing or who you are with.  I am struggling with the empty space between us and the fact that I went from knowing everything about your life to knowing absolutely nothing about you.  2 years 1 month and 25 days is a lot of time. I wish I knew the new you.  If you could visit me in my dreams I would so appreciate it!  I miss you beyond words!!!  Be safe and stay healthy baby girl!

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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