Tuesday, March 8, 2022

109 weeks and 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

Today at 1:08pm it will be 109 weeks since you were last here.  So much time has passed without you here, and it continues to do so, yet it still feels so surreal.  I still ask myself "how?"  Yesterday was another PCH PFAC meeting, to think you died on only my 2nd official meeting date, and today marked the 3rd month into my 3rd year.  PCH has come so far in just this short amount of time, in a way it makes me sad to not physically be part of it. (To clarify, not sad enough that I need a reason to be part of it).  They are testing out new beds for parents, and they have all new ipads (they were starting to have them available during your last inpatient stays, but they never seemed to work). There are other amazing and new things on the horizon, and it is incredible, but yet a part of me feels out of place continuing to participate.  I don't have any current feedback to share, and my experiences feel so far away.  I know like with the house, despite knowing it was time, I know it will be an emotional end.

On that topic, we closed officially on the sale of the house on Friday.  We took your siblings back one last time to walk through and say their final goodbyes. When it came down to it, I couldn't do it, I stayed outside.  I am happy with my choice.  I have told everyone who knows that I compare it to saying goodbye to you.  109 weeks and 1 day ago I carried you out to a gurney, I placed you on it, tucked you in with an extra blanket, gave you one last kiss, and walked back into the house.  I couldn't bring myself to go see you one last time at the mortuary, I didn't open the casket one more time to "make sure it was you".  I wanted my last memories of you to be of the alive you with soft cheeks and pale skin.  I don't have to worry about erasing the images of your skin toned changed or of forgetting the way you may have felt after you were no longer you.  It was the same with the house.  It wasn't our house anymore.  The house we brought you and your siblings home from the hospital to was not that house.  So much of that house was gone, washed away in the flood, and gone with you. I didn't want to see the house we put back together, while beautiful, it wasn't the same, it wouldn't have the same feel.  I had to let it go without having to close my eyes to remember what our house was from before.  I won't lie, I still get emotional thinking about it no longer being our house, but like aba said, once he took your stuff down off the walls he knew we wouldn't be going back. 

I spent the last couple of days thinking about the new family who now lives within those walls. I know how excited and happy they must feel. I can picture big smiles and a house that has been vacant becoming alive again.  My heart feels happy for the walls to have life within them again.  I will forever miss our incredible neighbors on both sides and all of the memories that were made.

Your brother had a hockey game Thursday night.  He played one of his best games this season. I joked with some moms around me wondering if aba had bribed him.  I sent him a text asking if he promised him money or something specific for playing so well.  I laughed when we got to the car and Tzvi asked how much money he made. That kid!  He has promised him more money for his game tonight because it is a team his team hasn't been able to beat all season.  We shall see how he does. Sadly I will have to watch on Livebarn because Meena has a parent meeting for her team evaluations.  We find out tonight if she will be moving to Level 2 and if so, when.  

Noam has been insisting on having his Sonzee book read to him every night.  It makes me happy and sad.  I suppose that is all things grief. Otherwise, I cannot think of what else to report.  Been working a lot on getting everything we need for the house as construction continues, and starting to plan for camp and summer. I miss you beyond words and wish I could see you!!

Until next time.

Love always!
The Mighty Contributor

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