Tuesday, March 15, 2022

110 weeks and 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

110 weeks since yesterday. I keep thinking about "how is it now 10 weeks since we hit 100?" That means it's been 2.5 months since it was 100 weeks.  It is beyond the length of 2 full-term pregnancies and close to half of your life span.  The breakdown leaves me in awe. Similar to the fact that when I actually think about it, you would really be a first-grade 7-year-old. You would have been in the same grade as many of my friends' kids, a fact I honestly forget 95% of the time because that is essentially two lifetimes ago, the one you lived and the one we never knew.

Last week was my spring break.  I had set a goal for me to learn how to nap during the day.  My break ended with the goal not being met.  I was at the new house here and there and did a lot of ordering of all the items we need to complete construction. I think, I finalized the flooring choices, but by the time everything is in place so they can be purchased and put in I am sure I will change my mind 10 more times.  It is a problem.  The pool is waiting on the special order tiles to arrive, and in general, there are many manufacturer delays. I have received confirmations of orders and then confirmation of cancellation due to backorder items not being in stock within 24 hours of one another at least 3 times just this week alone.  It is disappointing, but it is what it is.  There is nothing to do but go with the flow.

This last week it was announced that one of your sister's best friend's family would be moving out of state at the end of the school year.  She came out from school hysterical, as did so many other girls from her class.  There were mixed reactions with some adults suggesting it was part of life and no one died, so the girls shouldn't be upset.  While I can understand that point, and it is valid, what some will (thankfully) never understand is that your sister continues to live every day with your death, with your absence, with you being gone.  And now, one of her best friends from preschool will be leaving her day-to-day life.  Yes, they can remain in touch.  Yes, they can still be best friends.  But, also, yes, in some ways, for her specifically, it is another loss, another experience I wish she didn't have to live through, another piece of life I wish she didn't have to deal with, another heartache that I can't protect her from. I wish she didn't have to experience so much of what she has, despite mockingly telling myself it continues to shape her into this continuously growing amazing person, rubbish, I wish I could give the girl a break!

Anyway, little girl. I miss you so much!  Hope you are having a great time doing whatever it is you do!

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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