Today is the last day of a year you never were physically part of. It makes my heart physically ache to process that reality. An entire year you never took part in. I ask myself often how time continues to move on without you part of it. I find myself trying to process your life and that you were actually part of it physically at one point when I see your picture on my coffee mugs in the morning or on the printed picture pillows.
I find physical reminders of you around, like when I cleaned out my bag that I used to carry with me to your therapies that had your picture on it, and I found a lavender vile for your labs and a medicine syringe. We have your pacifiers and glasses hanging by the front door of the apartment, hard to believe that there was a time you would have those items on your person 24/7. So much of your physical presence is gone from the house, but the items that made you, you, those are still here and probably will be for my forever.
2021 will be the last full year we will ever be owners of the house you (and all of your siblings) were brought home from the hospital to. I once thought that would be our forever home, but honestly, without you and all of your stuff there, it is just impossible to live in that space. I haven't decided if I will bring a tissue box or two and sit on the floor of what was once the room you lived and died in one last time, or just never go back inside. I can't decide which decision will be added to the list of the only true regret I have (which is getting mad at Aunty A for taking pictures of you on February 3, I should have never said anything, and I wish she wouldn't have listened to me). We will soon be listing the house for sale and I am sure the day we are under contract will be an emotional day as it finalizes that everything, besides my minivan, that we own in our life you have never physically in (ps: aba keeps trying to get me to agree to sell that too).
As we enter into 2022 I am scared of all of the dates ahead. In just 10 days it will be your 2nd deathaversary on the Jewish calendar. I am not ready. In 24 days would have been your 7th birthday on the Jewish calendar. How? You are still 4. In a month and 3 days, it will be your 2nd deathaversary on the secular calendar, and in a month and 11 days you would be turning 7 on the secular calendar. 4 dates to signify such meaningful moments of your life and death, but 4 dates that make the next 6 weeks nearly impossible for me to remain above water. Please help me make it through.
If I can make any requests, please try to visit this year. It has been close to 2 years and you still must not think I am ready, but just let me know you are doing amazing and are loving whatever you are up to. Let me know someone is looking after you and helping you if you are in need. I am doing my best to put my faith into trusting the journey you are sending me on, but your mother wouldn't be living up to the Jewish mother stereotype if she didn't try to guilt you into a visit. Love and miss you baby girl.
Until next time.