99 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Today, in 20 minutes, marks 99 weeks.  How fitting that the last Monday of 2021 falls out on the last double-digit week of your absence.  I guess you wanted to make 2022 easy math for me.  99 weeks since I last gave you a cuddle and walked you out of our physical life forever.  I am not looking forward to reliving the history that unfolded 2 years ago over the next 6 weeks.  I find it fascinating how vivid all of the memories are.  What is even more fascinating is how the pain worsens.  Maybe because while I lived it I was completely numb, knowing "I would have the rest of my life to process it".  I can't remember the exact number of times I said that to people from January 24 until February 3, 2020.

This week I began to unpack the boxes into your siblings' rooms in the new house.  Room #1 boxes are all yours, they are still piled in the room that will eventually be the extension of the kitchen.  I cried while I cleaned your Rifton chair.  It was full of dust.  I am not quite sure what brought the tears, but then as I tried to figure it out while I cleaned it, they got worse.  Maybe it is the fact that I was cleaning a chair you won't ever be sitting in again?  Maybe it is simply because it is something of yours.  

While I was unpacking boxes from Noam's room I found your last package of Huggies diapers.  I was unsure if they would find their way back to the keep section since they were on the "Zaila trash" sheet.  I am so thankful of all the mistakes that ended up occurring, those damn diapers found their way back to me.  Randomly I will find medicine syringes or the viles that we used when we drew your blood.  I never know if I should toss or keep.  

Your pink convertible is with all of your siblings' cars on the side of the house.  Another item I just can't part with.  We moved your front porch swing to the new house.  I can already envision sitting on it and crying, but I know mixed in there will be smiles watching your siblings play basketball or playing in the front yard, knowing you spent so much time on the same cushion. 

I know I have to bring myself to open your boxes because they contain the many pictures and items that will be put up in the hallway.  I will keep that task for when I feel compelled to do it, probably when your energy surrounds me enough to just do it.

Aunt Shuly and Uncle Russell and the gang stopped by for a quick visit on their way up to Bear Pines motzei Shabbas.  It was nice to see them.  

Anyway baby girl.  I hope you enjoy your last week of 2021 wherever you are.  I love you and miss you!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema