97 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Last week your monthly letter fell around the weekly letter time so I skipped my first weekly letter in what would have been 96 weeks.  I am back at it this week with having what feels like an eternity since I last wrote you.  It has only been another week, bringing us to just 3 away from 100 Mondays without you.  The Mondays will always continue to pass us by.

This last week brought us a lot of hockey and goals for your brother.  A busy week in general and it was topped off with Laeya and I flying to New Jersey for a bat-mitzvah of one of her camp friends.  We flew in and out within 24 hours, but it was well worth the travel to see her smothered in hugs and smiles from her friends when she walked out of the car.  She is already looking forward to their next reunion.

This last week brought us another week closer to your deathaversary. No offense, but it comes at the worst time.  Well, I suppose it could be argued that it isn't the worst time because of it being around Laeya's birthday and then bat-mitzvah, that it really could just be a good distraction?  But I am anticipating my emotions to be on overdrive because of it all.  Trying to honor you both on the same weekend without taking away from either of you is definitely a challenge.

This last week brought us more questions from Noam.  I find it fascinating as he grows older how his understanding of death unfolds, but then we find ourselves fielding bombs of questions.  It feels equivalent to being on a minefield, each question coming at us randomly in an attack and leaving us wounded when it's over.  This week he asked us when you were going to be fixed, he wasn't happy with the first answer that you weren't being fixed, so aba settled the conversation by saying that you would be fixed when Mashiach comes.  Noam asked us why you died this week.  I told him among other things that Hashem wanted you and he excitedly replied that HaShem would fix you and then you could come back.  After the water in the bathtub drained he asked where it went and I told him it went into the pipes in the ground, and then he asked if that was the same place where you were.  I am happy he asks the questions, I am often stumped with forming my answers, and my heart often breaks having to retell him in different ways you won't be coming back.  

At times it feels like I have to make all my answers up as I go with him.  I myself don't really understand why you had to die, I don't really know where you are, and I have no idea if you have been fixed or will ever come back even with Mashiach.  Maybe one day I will have all the answers, but at week 97, this is the best I can do.

Anyway my love.  I miss you a lot!

Be safe and have fun.

Please come and visit.

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema