Dear Sonzee,
Today marks one year, ten months, and two days. I am sorry I didn't write to you on Friday, my brain didn't compute that it was already December 3. It's hard to believe Saba has been gone for 2 years as of the 3rd, and that in just two months, your time will follow suit. Oh, how I wish to know what you both have been up to over all of this time.
This month continued to be challenging. I have done a really good job focusing on small increments of time passing me by, mainly by weeks. Then this week I realized that as we get closer to February, it will be your 2nd anniversary. Information I am well aware of when I process how much time has passed, but the reality that this is the 2nd time all these months have come and gone without you is just a lot for me to admit to my own brain.
This month brought me closure in some ways with me accepting that things are being orchestrated by you/Hashem. Aba and I don't agree on which one of you is responsible, I say it is you, he says that your soul is so pure you are elevated to be with him and so it is one and the same. Either way, I am allowing myself to acknowledge that everything has been divinely organized. I realize that we need a fresh start with this whole moving forward concept and reality, so everything that you have done is making it so that is the case.
This month we said goodbye to Bianca. I know that was part of your doing. We know aba isn't at all upset over it, I am actually handling it really well. I mean we buried you, so really an animal pales drastically in comparison. I know she must be as happy as can be peeing all over piles of laundry and wherever the rainbow bridge took her. I hope you were able to see her and Brucie. I wonder if Brucie was thrilled to see her again?
This month brought me back to see your grave. I still find it more challenging than it ever used to be, but I have been able to do it.
This month I spoke about you more, and have shared you with others more often. I did answer the question yesterday of how many children with "4", but that was honestly because I didn't feel this person should be privy to a detailed explanation. A friend of mine actually said, "she has 4 here", and I quickly said "yup", and the person didn't catch the "here", and so it worked out beautifully.
This month I listened to my inner needs and told work I need to pull back a few hours. I need to honor my grief and allow myself to sit with it and not keep running. This month I have felt more blah, but also have acknowledged that that is ok. This is my normal, this is life, this is what it is. There is no escaping the weight and reality of you being gone, and that is ok. It's hard, it's painful, but grieving you is just my love for you.
This month brought us bringing over your pacifier and glasses holder to the apartment as well as the two removable picture posters that have you on them. They are the only things on the walls in the apartment. I was able to send your special tomato EIO pushchair to a CDKL5 sister of yours this month. I was able to pack your Firefly GoTo seat to bring to East Valley FBC this week. This month is allowing me to continue moving forward in a different way than clinging onto items that are just collecting dust.
Anyway baby girl. Every month that passes without you here is another month you have taught me more valuable life lessons and proven to me just how strong I am. This month was just one of the many more that I will spend in this life without having you to hold and kiss. This month brings us just 2 months away from your English deathaversary, and only a month and 5 days from your Hebrew one.
Until next time little bear!
Love always,
Ema
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