Monday, May 10, 2021

66 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Another week down, but an eternity to go.  This past week, I finally found the time to decorate some more rocks for you, and finally added them to your home.  I won't lie, I find it increasingly irritating now when I walk the rows and see how many people are "flattering" me by painting their loved ones' rocks.  My personal feeling at this point is if it isn't for a child, no adult requires painted rocks.  Maybe that's harsh? Maybe it's unfair? Either way, I don't particularly care, I just want everyone to remove the painted rocks that were only painted after seeing all of yours. I get it, I know it is a great idea, but it was my thing for you and now it just feels like it is everywhere and it takes away the special meaning it had for you, for us. I can admit I am bitter and annoyed, but I won't apologize for it. 

We have started to pack for camp.  I know it is 6 weeks away, but I wanted to make sure we had everything all together and organized.  It is the first time since you have been gone that I am actually preparing for something more than an hour before.  I don't know how that makes me feel.  I know I am so excited for your siblings but also a little nervous for them. For myself, I am really on edge.  Naturally, when it came time to prepare for summer it was the routine thing to just rent the same place we have always stayed in, the one you lived in every summer of your life except the one when you were first born because we were afraid to be too far from a children's hospital.  Now the reality that I will be staring at the walls, and looking around the house at all the places you did various things, is setting in.  Summer is our time together, no nurses, just Sonzee and ema days (and for a few years we shared it with Noam).  This summer everyone will be in camp, and it would be back to just us, so now, it will be just me.  I am calling it the "summer of Randi", but really it is going to be more the summer of feeling and being lost.  I can think of all the intentions I have, similar to the ones I used to have for you during the summer, that I most likely won't achieve.  Maybe that is for the best? I mean I haven't really had any time to really grieve alone or figure out life since right after you died the school closed, and your siblings came home, then I went back to work virtually and even worked ESY last year so never had an actual break. I am dreading the unknown, but my life with you prepared me for that, so maybe I will find myself better off than I imagine? 

Yesterday was mother's day.  Year #2 of being tough.  My heart was breaking as I opened everyone's custom gifts for me because it meant I wouldn't have one from you, but somehow you and your twin girl knew what I needed and found a way to make it happen.  I am fairly certain I gave Niagra Falls a run for its money, but I am just still speechless.  I feel it just solidified to me that you and Laeya's bond is unbreakable, and for that, I am beyond thankful. 

Did I mention last week that Nurse Paige came over for breakfast? We all loved seeing her. We weren't sure if Noam would remember her, but she asked her where you were.  You and nurse Paige were one and the same to him, really to all of us.  A girl and her shadow.  It was almost like old times, except her reason for walking through the door wasn't around so she had to settle for the rest of us.  Don't worry, I made her a couple of my signature coffees and an awesome breakfast sandwich.  I look forward to her coming back.

Anyway my love.  Missing you as always. Stay healthy and safe.

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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