Today is a double whammy day. It not only marks another week that has gone by but another month that has come and gone without you here. Who would have thought that the pain in my heart could grow? It is similar to when someone becomes a new parent and doesn't quite understand how they can now love someone so much and the love towards them only grows. 15 months in and my heart feels like each day it shatters a little more and it hurts a little more. I won't be so naive to think it will ever get better, but it fascinates me nonetheless that it can continue to do all those things. It almost places a value on the amount of love...it really is infinite to an exponential form, which isn't at all making this journey any easier knowing that will translate into emotions of grief.
This month of May wraps up another school year for your friends at FBC. I am planning on attending two of the graduations, we will see how well my powers of out-of-body experience work. I know I would never be required to attend, but I want to be there. I just don't know if my desire to celebrate their achievements will win out on my ability to watch other children do what you weren't able to do. While we never did find out what your school placement for this year would have been, the assumption is you would have stayed at FBC or participated in the program in some way half the day while also attending PHA. So, it completely takes my breath away that in another 17 days you would be finishing up Kindergarten. Sometimes I have to try really hard to remind myself that you were going to be a first-grader this fall. I wonder if there will ever be a time your age won't confuse me. I still wonder how you have been gone only 15 months and you have aged 2 years. You were 4 when we said our goodbyes and you would be 6 right now...my brain fails to register that without an immense amount of effort.
Last night we had a camp meeting for your older siblings. It left me in quite a tizzy being all sorts of overwhelmed with the reality that I will not have them around for an entire month and there will be no visiting day. A quick email today had them reaching out to me by phone to try and comfort me. Who knew that my brain would take a summer overnight experience and equate it to your absence?! I have learned there is just no reasoning with grief so I am thankful for those who hold my hand and walk with me through it. While there will be no way for me to give them hugs, there will be a way to speak to them whenever I need to. I wish HaShem could work something like that out for me and you. 65 weeks and I swear I feel like you are only going further up into heaven, further out of reach, further out of my familiarity. I wonder if I were to see you if I would even know you. Would I walk by you? What would you look like now? I feel like the parts of you I once knew don't even exist in the world you are part of now.
I hope wherever you are that you are surrounded by comfort and maybe even more love than you had here if that is even possible. I hope you at least come and check on us and smile and then go on your way. Maybe you were the hummingbird lingering outside of bubbie and pop-pop's today. (PS: They got a little puppy, his name is Maximilian, he is currently 3lbs. You would have loved his snuggles and he would have never known what was coming when you would've inevitably kicked him off of you.)
Anyway my love. Nothing is the same here. 15 months feels like forever, and 65 Mondays seem incomprehensible.
Until next time.
Love always and forever,