Monday, April 5, 2021

61 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

I am sorry I feel like I am so behind on my letters to you.  These multiple-day holidays can throw me completely off.  I at least was able to deliver your 1 year 2 months rock to you on Friday, but your 14-month letter is sadly still not completed. 

This weekend marked the completion of our second Passover without you.  I made it through yizkor.  It is really comical to me how sometimes the anticipation I feel regarding events or moments results in varied outcomes.  There are times when I am so worried and panicked I feel physically sick and it turns out that the fear was accurately foreshadowed, but then there are other times where afterward I can sigh in relief.  Yizkor turned out to be the latter.  That might be attributed to my impeccable timing of arrival to being within 5 minutes of it starting, standing in the back of the room, and purposely making close to zero eye contact with anyone.  I felt as if there were looks in my direction but focusing my eyes inside the yizkor pamphlet made it so it only existed in my imagination vs if it were reality.  Thankfully small talk afterward was limited and so the day just went on.

Meena had a sleepover after the holiday ended.  I should have known that despite sailing through what I anticipated to be one of the potentially hardest things I would have to do, I would get taken down by a song played in a Hannah Montana movie.  Do you remember your slide show for your first birthday?  Do you remember the song "The Climb" by Mylie Cyrus?  Well, it apparently is in that movie and my childish interest in a Disney movie turned out to stab me straight in the heart.  It was at the part she sang the very first line that I lost it standing behind the couch.  Meena saw me, as she turned around to ask me why I chose this song for your slide show.  I had my hands on the corners of my eyes and was simultaneously turning around to disappear.  Aba took over answering, or maybe he said he didn't know. I am really not sure because I was just concentrating on not losing all my marbles in front of her little friend and making it into the bathroom to completely fall apart.  Aba came to check on me but I sent him back to Laeya because I have had to hold her for hours after that song came on her Alexa without warning.  She also went down.  

Sometimes life itself just doesn't make sense.  I feel like since last night my emotions are on edge. I can feel it in the ever-present lump in my throat and the inability to get the tears from popping into my eyes as quickly as they are. I foresee a tough week ahead.  In the last 61 weeks, I have learned when it gets to this point it is only downhill and then it can take weeks to get back to whatever my new tolerable baseline actually is.  In short, it sucks, it will continue to suck, and maybe the suck will change a little, but overall, your absence just sucks.

This weekend we are going to sneak away to Bear Pines, and I have to say it is much needed.  I almost detoured driving on the 101 last Friday to the I-17 to go hide away by myself, but with it being the last days of Passover I decided it was probably best to stick around in Phoenix.  I am counting down the days until I can get up to the trees and hang a new wind chime that Miss Cori sent to us in honor of you a few months ago.  It is so perfect, but since its home is going to be in the backyard of Bear Pines, it needs to be hung.  She had the quote that we put on your gravestone engraved into the clear bottom portion. It brings a combo of tears and a smile to even write about it.  I am looking forward to getting lost in its sounds with my red mug of coffee and some great company.

Anyway my love. I miss you! I will write to you sooner rather than later!

Until next time. 

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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