Dear Sonzee,
I am sorry I didn't write my monthly letter to you on the actual 3rd of this month. It is hard to believe I am only 5 days behind because it feels like it has been so much longer. Another month. Another month has passed without your physical presence. Another month further away from the close to 60 months you spent with us. How was it you didn't even spend 60 months with us? This last month has been a tough one. I am unsure why exactly that is, besides the fact that it is obvious you aren't coming back, but I knew that the moment you left.
This month I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. It happens on this journey. The emotions definitely ebb and flow. There have been split-second moments since you've been gone that an overwhelming sense of happiness overcomes me related to your siblings, but it just as quickly gets wiped away with the slap in the face that you aren't here. Like when your brother won his state championship, what an amazing moment. I have no doubt you watched and were somehow involved in assisting his team pull off that nail-biting final moment that gave them that well-deserved win. But, you weren't sitting there with us in your supportive sister hockey gear kicking your boots off 100 times. We didn't have to take the elevator upstairs or find a seat close to the glass for you to watch. There was no parking in the handicap parking spot or the potential of being frustrated that they were all taken. There is just so much that still hurts about how life has changed. There isn't one potential positive outlook that doesn't yield a reminder of how horrible it is that you aren't here, well except that you are not suffering (at least I hope you are not).
I find myself wishing my brain and heart would just agree already on this situation. After 14 months you would think it would have happened, but it hasn't and I am unsure it ever will. My heart is forever altered by your death, and my brain rocks back and forth between your death being in your best interest and how could it even logically make sense that I had to bury a child regardless of the situation?! I guess I am just left waiting until the day it will all be revealed?!
This month has brought the fear of the "what-ifs" of death. Like, what if when I die we aren't reunited, or what if when I die I find out you have just been alone in some heavenly hospital with all of your same challenges but no one is taking care of you. What if you aren't happy or are still suffering? These are really scary, panic-inducing, painful thoughts, so I try to keep them buried deep or they fly at me like that sticky black goo stuff that weighs everything down that was in the Incredibles movie. I have to deep breathe my way out of those times and remind myself that none of that can be true. But, I can admit it is really hard to win that inner battle.
I hope wherever you are it is better than my happiest dreams and nothing at all like my worst fears. I hope you have found your forever peace and are surrounded by a plethora of love and smiles. I hope you have a "step-in" ema or at least someone who is holding down the fort in that position for me until the day our souls meet again.
But until then my love, as always, know I love and miss you. Wishing you another month of health, happiness, and safety.
Until next time.
Love always,
Ema
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