Escape

Sometimes things don't go as planned, well, let's be honest, sometimes life doesn't go as planned.  There is that Woody Allen quote saying if you want to make G-d laugh, tell him your plans. For me, I would say that is the theme of the last 6 years of my life.  I am sure to G-d there is a reason, it probably makes perfect sense to him, but for me, I feel like I am left unsuccessfully trying to sort out the pieces of a million-piece puzzle while he sits back with a large cup of coffee feet kicked up on a table and laughing as I attempt to make the pieces fit together.

The last 14.5 months in our house have been tough. I know it is similar for many, but really the loss of Sonzee made the COVID19 isolation component a walk in the park for me because nothing is worse than grieving your child.  In some ways, it was a huge benefit, a great excuse to hide away and not have to face any sort of reality.  Buying Bear Pines was one of those let's try and change something up consolations.  A false trick that seems to occur in the minds of many bereaved parents.  The ridiculous thought that purchasing a couch, a house, or going on a vacation will make us somehow feel better over the loss of our kid.  My mind has even gone as far as tricking me into thinking a change of scenery or tackling various projects will also somehow cushion the reality. 14.5 months in and an unplanned schedule change makes the obvious even more obvious.  There is no escaping reality and there simply is no escaping grief.  No amount of physical distance can actually distance the looming reality of grief.

Grief is that unwanted passenger in your I want to have a moment of silence in the car. Grief is the replacement of the 1000 item to-do list related to the person who isn't around. Grief is the voice in the back of your mind reminding you of a person impossible to forget, but yet, somehow, that fear is one in the forefront of your thoughts.  Grief is the reality that despite the attempt to change your location or surround yourself by your life from the past in an attempt to pause the present, sometimes life just doesn't go as you planned.  Sometimes your attempt to run away is derailed and you're forced to stare your reality in the face, and maybe, just maybe, G-d isn't sitting there laughing while he is holding his cup of coffee.  Maybe he is actually sitting there nodding his head as you figure out that the entire purpose is the realization that your feelings of derailment from your plan is just simply the way to get you back on track to what is actually the real plan.