Monday, April 12, 2021

62 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Another week has gone by,  Today marks 12 days into the month of April.  I have to ask why time seems to be picking up pace?  I am left to wonder if it felt this fast when you were alive because I feel like I can't remember.  They say grief can affect your memory, I sometimes have a challenge placing the blame on grief, but it is either that or early-onset dementia, and for now, grief seems to be a lesser evil of the two.  The thought of experiencing memory loss that would erase what few years I had with you makes me panic, so despite it being so awful, grief it is.

We finally got up to Bear Pines over the weekend.  It was beyond beautiful weather, still cold, and required warm blankets in the morning to sit outside. We took down the ice rink that turned out to be quite a failure but also a learning experience.  We are unsure the tarp is going to be usable next winter, but we shall see.  We uncovered the trampoline and got the net and everything all set up.  Everyone was jumping all weekend, even ema, that was probably funny if you saw me trying to do tricks.  Sadly the ninja course also met its demise since we never got it down before the snow began to fall, oops. Live and learn they say, and considering it was aba and my first home ownership during a real winter I have to say we did well overall.  The leaves on the trees are still absent in the front of the house, but the birds and squirrels were out and about more than the last time we were there, and as always the weekend was just what I needed.  We hung your wind chime in the backyard and now it feels like you are fully surrounding us there with the other wind chime on the porch.  

Yesterday was Laeya's first friend's bat-mitzvah.  Talk about feeling aged.  Her parents were the first friends' aba and I made in Phoenix.  I met this little girl as a brand new baby before we even knew we were pregnant with Laeya, and I still see her as this little baby, not the grown-up beautiful 12-year-old girl she has become.  I watched Laeya from a bench on the side take her first photo booth picture with 2 other friends and wanted to cry thinking about how in 9 months we will be celebrating her (without you there).  I sent the picture to Miss Jenn and all I could see when I looked at it was her and me circa 1996/1997 and it's just insane.  I can't lie, looking 9 months into the future, I feel like it is going to be a challenge to celebrate your sister while also honoring your absence, I am not looking forward to the struggle, but maybe beginning the planning so far in advance might soften the blow?

This week I am going on my first solo vacation in almost 2 years.  I have gone away very little since becoming a mom, but every time Elle or I have a baby you know that we travel to each other.  The last time I flew to her, you accompanied me.  It was the day after that trip that you and I took up residence at PCH for close to a month because we learned just how severe your GI issues really were.  I am so excited to be going on this trip, but in the back of my mind, I am panicking over how I am going to handle all of the emotions during it.  I guess that is just going to be a recurring theme in my life from now, happiness tinged with panic, sadness, and a hell of a lot of missing you and wishing things were just different.  

Anyway my love.  Be well. Be safe.  Be happy.

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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