7 Months

Dear Sonzee, 

Yesterday marked 2 years since we gathered with friends and family and saw your swim spa lifted 100s of feet into the air by a monstrous crane that blocked our entire street in order to place it in our backyard.  The spa still remains, but 7 months ago you left it for only us to use.  I haven't entered it yet once.  I tell myself maybe I will take up swimming laps, sit in it to relax, or maybe go inside to be with your siblings when they go, but I just can't, I am unsure if I ever will.  Aba made sure to take you in as much as possible during your last week, I wonder if I should've let him take you just one more time?

When I think back to those last few weeks with you, it was such a balance of fighting against time but letting you rest and being as comfortable as possible.  I think we did a good job? I am relieved 7 months later there is no doubt in my mind we did what was best for you.  What doesn't feel any better at all is that we had to make any of the choices we ever had to for you and that you aren't here with us.  I wish I could explain how much I truly do believe that you are in a better place, but simultaneously wish you had a different mission that didn't require you to suffer and then leave us so quickly.

7 months.  In just 2 weeks we enter into a new year on the Jewish calendar.  One you won't have even been in for a second.  That is a challenging concept to process.  It seems more difficult to swallow than entering into a new month.  We are filling out a 1/8 of a page memorial text for you and saba for the Yizkor book.  It was difficult to figure out what to say. I will admit Aba and I made some jokes in the process.  We couldn't exactly write "hope you're doing well", or "we are so proud of you", so we stuck with "In memory of".  I am honestly relieved corona will keep me from going to shul because I am still not ready to even just sit in the back and listen to that service, but I do need to refresh my red candle stash.  

Don't forget you are forever loved and incredibly missed.  Whenever I am ready, I hope you know where you can find me.  I miss you beyond words little bear.

Love always, 

Ema