"Strength"

I dreamed of becoming a mom for as long as I can remember, and when it first happened in 2010 it was the start of something that surpassed any dreams I ever had.  I have theoretically become a mom 5 different times.  Each of my children is as individual as can be making my mommying experience equally as distinct.  From being a competitive dance mom to a hockey mom to a free spirited child mom to a special needs mom, and a slew of other descriptive titled moms in between.  I am and will always be proud of all of the different mom titles I wear, however, the one no one ever thinks they will ever earn, the one no one ever wants and yet the one that I am soon to be awarded is that of the grief-stricken bereaved mom. 

It was suggested to us that we begin to make plans at this point so that any decisions that can be, will be made in advance.  For everyone who has said "you are so strong", or "you are incredible", I hand you back those words, medals, and sashes.  Yesterday, I was not equipped with the appropriate amount of strength to get me to go "cemetery hopping".  Instead, it was my amazing sister who graciously volunteered without even being asked and Sam.  I gave my "requests" and they did their best to make sure they will come to fruition.  I say requests like these things have been sitting in my mind for a lengthy amount of time, but the truth is I didn't even know I even had them more than 24 hours ago. 

Watching my child suffer over the last 4 years 11 months and 16 days of her life has drained so much of me mentally and physically, I think my strength quota has been reached.  The last 4 years 11 months and 16 days apparently isn't going to earn me much reprieve in how the remainder of this story is going to be written.  There is not going to be any first day of kindergarten picture or any sassy turning away when she wants nothing to do with us.  There is not going to be any more "hooray for Sonzee's" or cheering over some almost met inchstone.  While I am extremely grateful we are getting to segway into this new chapter on our little bear's own terms when she is ready, everything our family has endured with her isn't earning us an alternative ending, so whatever strength might remain after all of this is said and done, I am going to need to write my own.