The Same

We are a month and 5 days away from Sonzee turning 5.  I really am trying my best to focus on the sheer fact that she will be turning five, that she is here to celebrate such a milestone; but the human side of me says that still is not enough.  It is honestly just not enough to be celebrating a milestone that I am not even sure she realizes is occurring.  The doubt in that fact alone is enough to bring tears into my eyes.  Watching her seize and sleep her days away otherwise is enough to release the tears straight down my face.  It just isn't fair.

We are a month and 5 days away from our youngest being officially more than 2.5 years younger chronologically from Sonzee, but developmentally 2 years more advanced than she will ever be, with an ever-growing gap as each day passes.  It hurts. It hurts in such an incredibly unexpected way.  Watching him as he gains every little skill.  As he speaks more words each day.   With each and every smile he flashes my way.  With every gentle pat and snuggle he gives her and concern he extends toward his bigger sister.  It just isn't how the roles are supposed to be.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever really wrap my head around the fact that this is the life she is destined to live.  I wonder if I will ever truly be able to accept that this is how it is supposed to be.  I wonder if I will one day truly believe she really is who she is and it was a purposeful genetic mistake, or rather not even really a mistake.  I wonder if I will ever be able to give up on what I still honestly secretly wish she could achieve, and the dreams of normalcy I wish her to have.  I wonder if there is ever going to be a way that I can look at her siblings and not have a cloud dampen it because Sonzee isn't or won't be able to do xyz.  The minutes and hours are ticking by.  The days are going by faster than I can keep up.  The years are speeding by at a rate I feel I am not even able to process, but Sonzee, she always stays the same.