Life in general with CDKL5 has always been a path filled with bumps, forks, and a multitude of signs all suggesting various ways to go, but ultimately no matter how the path is followed, the final destination will be the same. In our house, we have two decision-makers, which means two people who despite sitting in a coffee shop on their first date laying it all out on the table discussing their individual fundamental beliefs, didn't quite get into the depths of the now relevant and extremely pertinent core discussions that have ultimately presented themselves over the last almost 5 years. I mean in our defense, who even knows CDKL5 or unhealthy babies are even topics of considerations that exist when you are young and dating? Who knew topics similar to "what are your viewpoints on abortion" really were benign compared to a lot of the line items that were in our unknown future? Who knew that two people who I remember sharing the same beliefs with at one point could have completely different ideas of what "the best path" would ultimately be? I often wonder if the experience of the actual decision making of the medically complex child path in other families is similar to how it is in our house; with two completely different viewpoints and opinions but ultimately two people wanting the best for their child while trying to honor eaches individual convictions all the while trying not to become another statistic of a failed marriage due to the additional challenges of living a medically complex life.
Ultimately, I wonder, are there really right or wrong deviations and decisions when it comes to walking the path? I have read all these various quotes about paths and journeys. Some suggest there are no linear ways of getting to the endpoint and that every path has multiple curves. Others suggest no matter what the path, there is beauty in getting lost on the journey. There is even a quote suggesting that there is no one correct path just the path that you choose. However, the challenge in these cases is there are two you's. So which one is correct? How do both people compromise on the journey itself when the simple concept of 50/50 means half full to one of them and half-empty to the other? The same information presented is perceived in two entirely different ways, but supposedly, neither of them is wrong.
I won't ever understand why it was Sonzee who was born with a mutated CDKL5 gene, or why there are many layers of complexity to her journey that have resulted in so many opportunities for us to have to be faced with not only typical married life drama, but the additional elements of how do we give our child the best quality of life while weighing our personal opinions on whether or not we perceive her as suffering and what to do or not to do if there is even anything to do about it. In the end, I suppose there really is not a right or wrong when it comes to the journey itself, but what does seem to matter and what the biggest challenge seems to be, is being able to continue moving forward making decisions that are true to your own personal beliefs while trying to balance the fact that there is "no I in team"