Humbled

She had two of her long seizures and too many of her cluster seizures to count.  She spent her day awake, wringing her hands, clapping, pushing her glasses off of her face, and content.  She didn't cry in pain at all and she not only stood in her gait trainer, something she has not been afforded the opportunity since the fall, she also took multiple steps.  She was proud of herself, you could see a smirk across her mouth, a look of satisfaction in her eyes, and just sheer joy come over her entire face. Her ability to literally make the best and most of her days, albeit her brain misfiring for over 25 minutes a day has me sipping my coffee in complete admiration as I'm reflecting on what she endures daily.

As her mom, I over analyze every minute of her life in general, but it wasn't until I was staring at her seizing awake from her sleep at 10:45pm that I truly comprehended how incredible of a human being she really is.  I readjusted her pulse oximeter while she seized, her values thankfully staying stable, and I was filled with this feeling of heartbrokenness mixed with complete awe.  Just hours before, we were challenging her fragile, and I am sure exhausted body, to do things the majority of us haven't had to think about doing since we were between 12-24 months old.  She rose to that challenge, she smashed the ball out of the park and gave me renewed faith in her desires.  Then she participated in a girls only dance party after dinner and didn't complain when we didn't move her into her room until after her typical bedtime.  Now here she was convulsively shaking, her limbs contorting, her mouth quivering, her eyes rolling all over, her head thrusting forward and then abruptly pulling back, and this is what she does all the time.  This is her life.

During these moments when I am reminded that her life is not about me or my feelings, or how hard watching her go through it all is, or what her missed milestones mean for me; I feel this overwhelming sense of pride and adoration towards her my heart could physically burst.  I always suspected she would bring me similar joy and delight as her siblings, but I was not sure what it would look like.  I now know that there is nothing that could make me a prouder parent than watching her literally fight to give herself a self-determined quality of life on a daily basis.  For this, I will forever be humbled.