I have always been a type A person, and one of my biggest challenges is relinquishing any type of control. Add that trait to having a medically complex Sonzee where a slip up in the majority of her care could result in catastrophic results, and well you get a neurotic, anxiety-ridden, overprotective, helicopter mom Randi. I would say it sounds like it could be a good thing, but rereading the previous sentence, it sounds just as crazy as it is. The reality is that on one hand, it really is a good thing because when life depends on not making mistakes or following procedures specifically, you need to make sure there is one person in charge, the downside is that then it falls to one person, and the fact is, there doesn't have to be just one person doing it all.
Yes, there is a specific protocol for some of Sonzee's medical care that does require a specific set of directions to be followed. Does that mean it has to be done in the same exact way by every person? No. Does that mean if it is done slightly different than it is wrong? No. Does that mean that I am ok with the slightest alteration of my perceived only way? That would be a BIG FAT No! The truth is, as long as the main components are followed, in theory, she will survive with someone else performing the care, and raw truth time, the fact that I have made it so I have to be in total control has placed an unnecessary burden on me, and created a situation where I am more apt to make a mistake than someone else.
Coming to this revelation over the last couple of months has been both scary and refreshing. Caregiver burnout is real, it exists, and it can be dangerous for so many reasons. There is a reason jobs come with paid time off. There is a reason for fall, spring, winter, and summer vacations. Everyone needs and deserves a break. Everyone needs a chance to rest, recharge, and be given the opportunity to come back to work with a fresh pair of hands and a clear set of eyes. I can just about promise that the majority of moms of special needs hardly consider the fact that they really really really need a break. But maybe if we all realize it honestly isn't even just for us, but for the well being of the entire family unit, it might be considered more often.
Now realizing this truth and doing something about it are totally different things, but awareness is key and knowledge is power. So like everything else I have learned on this journey, it is the inchstones that count. So this morning while I write my blog post sitting at my best friends kitchen table in Florida while drinking a venti Starbucks coffee, I trust that I have left Sonzee in the most capable hands, with an immense amount of love, and I did it so that I will come back to her better than I left her, with a refreshed point of view and some solid hours of sleep to carry me through until the next time I am wise enough to know that I too need and deserve a break.