Rerun

We are more than halfway finished with weaning one of Sonzee's seizure meds.  There is always the initial joy of watching skills return to her that we had somehow forgotten she once had, then there is the brief, but still, present sorrow that presents itself when we realize our choice of medicine is the reason the skills were put on hold.  Pair that with the fact that her seizure presentation was not significantly reduced or impacted by the medication, and knowing that our PEMU stay is going to present another medication as the (what is most certainly not going to be a) solution, and well, that continues to be Sonya's story.

This cycle of repetitious history you would think would make us wiser or at least pave the way to a clearer outcome, but for some reason, our continuous game of groundhog day meets real life is not changing.  Then there is the worst part that we somehow forgot happens when Sonzee is in a medication fog and it becomes temporarily lifted, her endless battle with her GI system.  The whimpering and pain that had seemed to subside, that we were optimistically thinking her gut rest had aided seem to be popping back up here and there.  The Aha moment always catches me off guard, takes me a day or two to actually realize I am entertaining and then smacks into me like a ton of bricks.  The question presents itself, "Was the gut rest and TPN the answer to her pain, or was the increase in her seizure medication masking her ability to process it?".  This answer, like every other one that is asked that would require her to be able to give us the answer, will always remain one of those unknowns.

The potential defeat that would come if the answer is the medication was masking her response to the pain will be so soul-crushing I am not yet at a place to fully even entertain it.  The potential disappointment that would follow if the answer is that the solution was yet again another failed bandaid will just be completely deflating.  Either way, the situation remains "wait and see", the question will soon enough become, "now what? ", and the answer will be whatever is feeling best for us to do for her at that time.