Wednesday, May 30, 2018

But then...

More times than I care to recount in the past 3 years I have made a "prayer request" post for one of our CDKL5 siblings or their family as they were in the hospital, on hospice, or already passed.  The topic no one wants to openly discuss but that every parent who has a child with CDKL5 tucks into the recesses of their mind.  Maybe we can rationalize that these posts are rare.  Maybe we can pretend that because there are much older children who are diagnosed with CDKL5, this won't "happen to us".  Maybe, because this time it wasn't us, we can pray for a multitude of reasons and go back to our reality.  Maybe when we wake up the post will have been a "false alarm" and we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

While there is a numbness that begins to creep into your body after making so many of these types of posts and losing so many of our beautiful children, there are always pieces of your heart that will never be put back together.  A portion that breaks because this child has been "adopted" into your family, and you have most likely been following his or her journey and witnessed his or her struggles and accomplishments along the way.  A portion that breaks because you have most likely stood in this position before with another family and you have an idea of how this is going to unfold and you know a parent is about to part of the group that you still cannot understand even exists and never want any part of.

While your heart is broken for this family, the reality is that your heart is also broken for yourself.  You cannot possibly imagine your child's journey following in the same manner, even if you could imagine it, you do not ever want to.  You cannot fathom how this family is going to make it through this, because it is incomprehensible how you would.  Other families will tell you that you cannot dwell on it, that you cannot live life fearful of this occurring, to an extent I think that is accurate, but then the reality sets in.

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