It is 1:29am, the house is quiet except for the washing machine and dryer that are spinning in the background, and my headphones playing music that takes me back to my high school and college years. The lump in my throat keeps trying to bring itself to the surface and I feel the tears in my eyes trying to break free. I am honestly not in the mood, so I will force a quick swallow and give a fast blink. Sonzee's "obvious seizure" seizure freedom came to an end today. As odd as this will sound, we are thankful. She has not been herself with them gone. She has spent the better part of the past week crying, whining, chewing her hands and vocalizing her discomforts. Pain medication has been her only reprieve and we honestly have no idea what we have been treating. With the return of a new type of seizure also brought her some much needed calmness, and me some much needed steps toward sanity.
There will never be any winning when it comes to this life of hers missing a healthy CDKL5 gene. Seizures, no seizures, it all sucks. I am unfazed by this portion of the journey at this point, completely used to it and out of the umph to convince myself that things will ever significantly change at this point. I keep wondering how we ended up with this as our path to walk, trying not to question why we were the ones chosen to deal with what continues to feel an insurmountable challenge. I keep wondering when our reprieve will come, when we will be thrown a bone, because it seems more challenges just continue to get sent our way. It leaves me wondering what am I doing wrong? What is it I still need to learn?
Tomorrow our middle girl turns five. I often wonder what things would look like had we stopped having kids after we had her. Where would our lives be? How would her and her older brother and sister's lives look like. It is hard to believe that had we never had Sonzee or her younger brother our youngest would be five years old. Things would be vastly different. While it would be easy to say that things could have been easier, that we would not have any challenges, I do not know if I truly believe that. Having had Sonzee I have always wondered if she took on the task of a challenging life to spare something horrible happening to one of her siblings.
As the years have gone by. As Sam and I have been given different experiences on our parenting journey some have been more difficult than others. Each one has impacted us in different ways, and thankfully made us stronger individually and as a unit. We do not have the answers, we have no idea where this path is leading, or what the story will look like at the end. What I can say with certainty is that it definitely has not gotten easier, it most likely will not, but I suppose have been gaining the correct tools along the way and each time something new is thrown our way, we are getting better at handling it.
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