Monday, January 23, 2017

Twenty Days

Twenty days, two weeks and 6 days, 480 hours, three different ways to countdown the amount of time remaining until Sonzee turns two.  A birthday I am so grateful to be celebrating, yet anxious about occurring.  Her outfits have been purchased and are sitting in our home, yet I sit here with a lump in my throat as I think about Sonzee as a two-year-old, a toddler; merely a year away from becoming a preschooler.  I know I should focus on the positive, but the fact is I am going to have a toddler who does not roll consistently, does not sit unsupported, does not reach out for me, does not talk, and does not crawl.  I am going to have a toddler who does not eat by mouth and who cannot chew solid foods.  My youngest is going to be a toddler and this is not at all how I imagined it would be.

As Sonzee gets older I must consciously remind myself that she is not actually a baby.  If it were not for the labels in her clothing or the fact that her birth certificate is dated 2015 this would be something I would argue.  I watched her in her bouncer as she was chewing on her hand and all I could do was imagine who she might have been.  I suppose some would say that is not fair, and there are some who are more capable than I am at accepting what they are given, but that is not me, at least not today.  I assumed things in all aspects would get more challenging as she got older, but it is one thing to assume and another to actually live it.  It is the latter that is far more difficult no matter how much mental preparation I try to give myself.

Another year of Sonzee's life is about to be in the story books, and it is one that I never would have imagined writing.  So many chapters were challenging to get through, and there are times I look back and wonder how we all made it to where we are today.  It is when I think of those times that I feel even more blessed of what we are about to celebrate.  Then there are the words that have yet to be written regarding her development, and it leaves my heart feeling weighted.  This is one of those times on this journey where the weight of it all sits heavily on my chest and makes it hard to breathe.  I sit here wondering how is it I will have the strength to continue doing this up and down on the see-saw for years to come.  I am sure as the years pass I will look back and think how naive I was to think that "that time" was the hardest.

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