This morning despite Sonzee's friendly demeanor I decided to take her to the parent-to-parent group that meets on Friday's at the Foundation for Blind Children here in Phoenix. Full disclosure, Sonzee really doesn't care for the introductory 30-minute music class and only 30% of the time enjoys the centers, because she would rather cuddle with Miss Barb or be pushed in her stroller by Mr. Justin until she falls asleep, so, we really go for me. I have formed some amazing bonds with the Foundation staff and the parents I have met have become invaluable resources whom I feel like I have known my entire life. There is a comfort to being around people who "just get it". Today in the parent meeting we were asked what (and if) we had a new year’s resolution, and when it was my turn I replied that I don't/didn't make new year’s resolutions. Later, as a general follow up question it was asked, "if you don't make a resolution, why?"
Since this parent meeting to me is a safe place to let out all my thoughts I jumped on the opportunity to share my reasoning. About three words into my reason I realized the tissue boxes located on the center of the table (that were kindly pushed to my direction) were going to be necessary to finish my thoughts. I honestly cannot remember if I made resolutions prior to Sonze, but I am fairly certain it has never really been my thing. In general, if I want to accomplish something I don't need a new year to make me do it, and if I have no intentions of doing something, then creating a "goal" isn't going to motivate my (lack of) interest in making the goal be completed. Since Sonzee however, I have found that it is just far too painful to make any type of goals or plans on a broad level because then I am left with such a void and heartache within me if they are unable to be completed.
There are so many things that I wish I could do better, but I also know I don't have the energy or willpower to get them completed. While it would probably feel rewarding if I did set my bar high and complete a task (such as making dinner every night of the week, packing lunches for the kids, being on time to appointments, you know do what every mom should because she is a mom), I am just don't have the wherewith-all to do them. I am incapable of these "basic mundane tasks" since Sonzee's lengthy hospitalization in May. Sure, it would be great to hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to being present every moment of the day, but my heart isn't always in that. I cannot explain it, but my energy level is typically around a "blah". Having Sonzee has broadened my horizons in so many areas, and living in the day to day with no set expectations is the only way I can survive. I would rather withhold my participation in resolution making until it won't be setting myself up for failure.
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