Monday, January 9, 2017

Going away

The last time Sam and I went away without the kids was for about 22 hours to watch the Florida State Seminoles play beat Auburn in 2014 at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, CA.  Prior to that we went away for 36 hours to Los Vegas in 2011.  This week Sam has "surprised" me with a 43-hour vacation for my birthday. (I say "surprised" because he knew better to give me ample warning so I could process it all.)  We leave tomorrow after the kids get home from school and will be back on Thursday to pick them up.  This is honestly by far going to be the most challenging getaway to date because not only am I getting on a plane without my entire family, but my kids will not all be together.

We are so fortunate (and I am so grateful) to have the Ryan House here in Phoenix so that Sonzee will have the best possible care while we are away, however, I feel completely broken that in order for this to happen she will be away from her siblings.  It crushes my heart that this is how it must be, but she requires such a level of care that it isn't fair to place that responsibility on others.  I know that she will be loved on and she will not be neglected, in fact she will probably get more love than she is even ready for, besides, Miss Holly will be visiting her and I think I have even successfully conned her into sleeping over (the perks of CBD being the first and last medicine of the day given, hehe).  Miss Paige (maybe the kids) and Auntie A will most likely drop in as well, so she will have plenty of guests, but I can't help but feel hurt and upset that we are in a position such as this in the first place. 

It is challenging for me to clearly express my inner turmoil.  I want to pack for a vacation with my husband and not have to simultaneously pack one of our daughter's for a different one.  I want to be able to go away and have all my kids be together, there shouldn't be two different places I call to check up on my kids’ well-being.  I am scared to leave any of my kids, but especially petrified to leave Sonzee.  Sam keeps telling me "I deserve this", I wish I could really believe that.  I don't know if I agree that parenting a special needs child (or four children in general) makes me "deserve" anything, especially since the four children part was our choice.  While I can agree I most definitely could use this type of break, I wonder if my brain will actually allow it.  


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