I knew I would find myself here again. The place where only the 5-character string of CDKL5 can take me. Sitting here with a pit lodged in my stomach and the tears in waiting. I have been here before, yet every time I take a break and come back...I am always amazed at how new and fresh the sting is. It almost feels like it is the first time all over again. The same feelings flood through me; panic, sadness, anger, emptiness, hopelessness, anxiousness...etc. I honestly would think that by now I would have developed some personal coping mechanism so I could avoid these days, guess I am not as talented as I had hoped.
Her seizures continue to get worse. The fact that her epileptologist is amazing and reassured me that what we are seeing are not Infantile Spasms again, is doing NOTHING to comfort me. I am praying this is not one of those times that my gut is going to win. I am hoping that it is just the unknown that has me on edge. I am begging G-d that this WILL be the time I am finally incorrect with my feelings. It is eventually bound to happen; people cannot bat 1000 forever...or really at all. I really want to be wrong, but I know something isn't the way it should be. Yet being wrong would not do much to comfort me either, because either way she is seizing more than I would like. Why has no one found a cure?
She has a seizure disorder, I GET IT. I do not want her medicated to oblivion because she has a SEIZURE DISORDER. Seizures are part of her and I am OK with that, because I know it is a complete crapshoot to get any form of control for her. I am not even asking for complete control, but just some relief. A chance for her to at least live a little, to get something out of her days, to simply relax. Because her days right now...well they just cannot continue this way. She sleeps, she seizes, she sleeps some more. Thankfully she has the feeding tube so I have one less stress to harp on, but why is she seizing? What am I missing?
I knew toddler years would be a living hell, and not because of the "terrible twos", or "threenager" experiences. Oh how I would give anything for her to be extra sassy and dramatic in a much less scary manner, I promise I wouldn't take it for granted and I would soak everything all in. To be honest, I am just praying she makes it out of this stage alive, and in this case, those words are to be taken literally. There has to be something I can do. After all, isn't this my job as a mom? I am supposed to be her protector and keep her safe. I can tell you one thing, CDKL5 brings on an entirely new meaning for the term "parenting fail", and it is not one that ends with "hahaha". I know that all I can do is my best, and I know I am doing just that, but finding myself up against a beast of a challenge such as CDKL5, well that does not hold an ounce of water.
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