137 and 138 weeks (tomorrow)

 

Dear Sonzee,

I decided to combine the last two weeks since I wrote your monthly letter last week and tomorrow is Rosh Hashana. 

There has been a lot of hockey and a lot of craziness going on the last two weeks with everyone’s schedule.  Max came over and swam twice over the last two weeks. He is so cute, but not a complete fan of the water.  Your brother has finally received his back float ribbon and jump in back float ribbon at swim! (Took him long enough). He is becoming more comfortable in the pool, which is nice. I think that is in part to having the pool in the backyard now. Your siblings go swimming close to every day after school.

Tomorrow will make the 3rd beginning of the Jewish holiday season without you here. Hard to believe that is where we are…hard to believe how time is just passing us all by. 

I brought your goto seat from east valley to west valley so it will be used this year! It is nice seeing your equipment out and being used. For 90% of the time I love seeing it! (The 10% happens when I “forget” or it’s one of those days where I wish we had it for you still-although maybe you would have finally outgrown it by now?!) oh, I also brought it your elephant neck pillow so someone can use that as well! I could bring your angel pillow but it’s with your Sonzee Bear epilepsy stuffed animal on your rifton chair and I’m not sure I can part with it.

This past weekend we finally made it up to Bear Pines.  Tzvi had hockey so it was nice the two came together and the house was available for us. (Thankfully a friend cancelled due to something that came up so it made it so we could use it). I am hopefully for a snowy winter because it is so green and so wet I this year! If I could just figure out the flattening of the side yard so we can get the hockey rink to work out!!! 

Anyway! I hope you have an amazingly sweet new year, filled with more amazing firsts and health, happiness, fun times, and special moments!  We miss you immensely here!!! Feel free to visit (not in the form of water 😉)

Until next time!

Love always,

Ema 

2 years 7 months and 2 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

I realized I missed the monthly anniversary date over a week ago, but figured I would wait until a more "even" date to formally acknowledge the time.  I am unsure if that was a "good" idea or not, but here we are.  For at least a week I have felt this nagging feeling every morning like I am forgetting something.  I felt it a lot right after you left, but then it seemed like it went away, or maybe I just learned to live with it. Maybe after acknowledging the last month and 2 weeks with this letter it will be further removed from my awareness? 

The months on a whole seem to fly by. It is probably how I missed writing to you on the 3rd as it is.  Pair that together with pop-pop's birthday weekend and your brother's hockey tournament and it was the perfect recipe to not realizing/remembering the date.

Historically with my grief this time of year is a challenge.  It is weird considering there are no specific dates around now that really belong to you, but for some reason the summer turning into fall is a complete struggle.  Maybe it is because your last year here during this time was spent with me fighting for someone to listen and believe me about your failing health?! Maybe it is the looking holiday season? This year, we can add that your younger brother is about to age you and it is certainly a recipe for mental disaster. 

This month brings me closer to another fall and season of holidays without you. Another month further away from the last day we were together. It marks a month closer to completing year 3, which means in fewer years than you will soon be gone you will have been dead longer than you were alive.  So many impending dates that make me want to escape my body so I don't have to bother attempting the impossible task of trying to process them.

These monthly dates that pass continue to get worse despite or probably because grief is changing. I wish still that I could see you in my dreams. (I will be very specific so you don't feel the need to bring any flood waters down). We all miss you a lot! I will try to do better to honor the dates in real time. Stay healthy, be well, and have fun!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema 

 

136 weeks and 4 days

Dear Sonzee, 

It has been one of those looonnngg weeks.  Not just because it is 4 days after the Monday that marked the week, but because grief has been a bit heavy.  Last week your sister and I went to New York for the weekend for one of her best friends from camp bat-mitzvah.  I love that we can take her to as many as we have been and will hopefully be able to continue.  Between her trips and your brother's hectic hockey season, I will hardly be home on the weekends for the foreseeable future.  

It was a great trip.  We stayed on the upper west side.  I had forgotten until we went to grab breakfast Friday morning that we had been there before, with you.  I was so annoyed because there was hardly a place to maneuver your wheelchair.  I remember the last time we were at the upper west side with you I wanted to complain to every store manager over the lack of accessibility manhattan has.  Your father wouldn't let me, so I would stew silently over it.  Anyway, it was nice to be in a place you had once been.  

Your absence is constantly felt on these solo trips due to the ease of travel.  

Our return trip home was extra exhausting due to the weather.  During landing, we were diverted to Las Vegas for a bit to refuel and wait it out and then returned back to Phoenix.  Laeya slept and I got a lot of needlepoint done, so that part was very successful.

Work has been nice but exhausting.  

I tried to do a juice cleanse this week, but it didn't work out so well, I think I will just stick with smoothies and eating healthy and not attempt to drink bottles with juiced collard greens.

Your sisters are enrolled in Moshava for next summer and Tzvi's current summer status is on hiatus until we wait to see where he is excepted. He really didn't want to go back to Moshava, and I made him try it for two years, so we are attempting something different, but we shall see what is meant to be. 

Meena has been back at gymnastics for less than 4 weeks and has only been doing it for a little over a year and she got her round-off back handspring. We are unsure when she will start to compete and at what level she will start, could be 2 or 3. My vote is to wait until next year so I have time to wrap my head around two competitive sports in the house. 

The master bathroom shower doors were finally installed!  We are just waiting on the custom laundry room door and then the interior will be complete!  The pavers are going in in the front yard, the end is finally near!

Anyway baby girl.

We miss you and love you lots!

Love always, 

Ema 

135 weeks

  

Dear Sonzee,

I finally made myself visit you, well it was more the piles of rocks that were acquired during our summer travels sitting on the counter in need of being brought to you.  You finally have those now along with the soap stone characters you get for the bigger milestone dates. 

Today 135 weeks and 2 hours and 30 min ago you were finally at peace, or so we think and hope. In the week that followed your death we honored your first missed birthday with painted rocks.  2 years and 7 months later the inspiration we were given by Mrs. Penny to paint those rocks has spread throughout the cemetery. I will be honest, there was a point on this grief journey I loathed seeing other plots decorated with painted rocks. It made me furious people were painting rocks for their parents or grandparents, they weren’t young, it was MY thing for YOU…a child, UNDER 5…but today, today I walked the rows of the cemetery in 108 degrees and smiled at how YOU in yet another way have made such a positive impact in this current world. Every row has at least one plot with at least one painted rock, some have many more. Some families have painted every rock like us, others just a few. It didn’t make me angry (today). Today in the hot breeze I felt you wrapping yourself around me telling me, “Ema, look…I did this…I can do so much now.”

This past week was a busy one. Your sister has gymnastics 3 days a week now for 8.5 hours total, your brother has hockey for his absurd number of hours, I am working full time and have even been meal prepping and planning for lunches and dinner and the house is JUST ABOUT fully finished! (We are awaiting pavers). 

On Tuesday last week I went to the back to school night for your siblings. There are so many new teachers I felt I should actually go this year, so with some help from Bubbie we made it all work. I listened to all of their teachers talk, but one of them is a newly bereaved parent…I couldn’t help but think to myself how I doubt anyone else was thinking about that fact (if every parent even knew). I couldn’t help but focus on the fact that life goes on and work continues and it’s just how it is.  I realize that’s what I do every day, and I doubt many if any people think about that when they look at me either…it’s just not what happens…it’s weird. (Oh apparently in 2.5+ years I have yet to find a better word besides weird. 

This week I took some of your clothing out of boxes and put them in a new box to ship to someone to make us another quilt. I am torn between two background fabrics, but they both include red and bears. I will decide this week I guess. I also took Mermie and little Mermie out of the box and put them on the shelf above your rifton. It feels more complete…I even put up your name letters, which happened to fit perfectly in the space. As aba said, it’s perfect, minus you not sitting your chair. Which I went on to say, well we couldn’t put her in the corner, and he said, oh please Sonzee would love to be in the corner…

Your brother had his first tournament of the season. They didn’t do as well as everyone had hoped, but now they all know what to focus on for the season. He is playing center this year and he is feeling the weight of his new role, but he is doing great, he just needs to gain confidence. We shall see where his team is placed in the division. 

Poppop turned 70 on Friday and we had a nice Shabbat dinner at the house for him. We did a surprise dinner that Bubbie planned, complete with the huge lot up birthday sign in the front of our yard. I think he enjoyed it! It was nice to have a big Shabbat dinner in the dining room! I am so looking forward to many many more!

Anyway baby girl…you are beyond missed and loved! 

Until next time.

Love always,

Ema 

134 weeks and 1.5 days

Dear Sonzee, 

I am only two days behind schedule this week.  I would say it has less to do with not making time and more to do with avoidance.  I don't know why specifically I go into these phases. I can't decide if there is something specific causing it or if it is just par for the course.

I do know from history that this time of year I tend to find my avoidance more prominent. I can't bring my self to visit you because I hate seeing your name on the stone. I haven't dropped off your rocks, because of the above mentioned and that makes me feel guilty. I haven't made you rocks because they would sit around on the counter (like everything I have waiting to bring you) because of not wanting to go to your grave...so all together, it's just crummy.

Laeya decided she didn't need to go to grief group. Meena wants to go for the candy. I couldn't decide, but was leaning towards not wanting to go anymore because instead of helping, it tends to hold me back. I haven't officially closed us out, because that seems final, so in line with my current theme of avoidance, it fits right in.

This past week Tzvi had his first scrimmage. He missed one due to being sick, one due to shabbat and was able to go on Sunday. His team is 3-0 and it is looking like it'll be a great season.  Tonight is the start of the seeding tournament, and I am so excited for us to be back in hockey season.

Last week was a full week of school for your siblings and work for me. It was exhausting, but I am adjusting my bedtime to go to sleep earlier so waking up so early won't be so tiring. We will see how it ends up working out.

Noam asked to have your book of you and him read to him this week. I always love when he does that. He has been talking about you randomly, which is also nice.

Anyway, I got to go.

Love you lots and miss you more!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

132 weeks and 133 weeks and 3 days

Dear Sonzee, 

The last two weeks have felt insanely long while also flying by at the speed of light. 132 weeks brought us to uncle, Hay-Hay's, and baby Isla's house for the last time this summer.  It was so nice being able to see them all so often this summer. Uncle was working from home and Hay-hay had a dentist appointment so I took baby Isla with us to the pool.  I made a comment that if Tzvi were there I would be back to having 5 physical kids...something I honestly miss without you here. Laeya settled into being back home but also continued to spend time with the same girls she had just spent 6 weeks with.  You would think she would have been over the 24/7 with them, but apparently not.  Noam, Meena, and I joined her at their house for a BBQ on Sunday before visiting uncle's. Laeya and I did a lot of shopping (even though she does not even need any more clothing).  We had a lot of nice lunches together and it was nice having her home again. Tzvi and aba 

After we visited uncle it was the start of 133 weeks. That was filled with a lot of packing and the start of our adventure driving back home.  We stopped and got you key chain rocks from each state when we got your siblings' keychains. I didn't really comprehend how many states we actually drove through until I looked at your collection when we got home. We drove to Memphis for Shabbas and to see the Weiner's.  It was a very restful and nice Shabbas, and then we left Sunday morning for home.  It was the longest drive I have ever done in one day, from Memphis to Albuquerque.  It left Monday's drive much shorter and we arrived around 1pm with just a few snafus. 

I will do my best to write to you on Monday!  Missing you lots!

Love you!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

131 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Another week has passed.  It is already the 2nd week of August.  The summer is quickly coming to a close.  Today I will pick up Laeya from her 6 weeks of sleep-away camp. I am so excited to see her, I am trying to occupy myself for the next 2 hours before I leave to get her.  It makes me so incredibly broken that there is still nowhere to go to pick you up, and you have been gone for significantly longer. 

This last week we honored your two and a half years of being gone. I hate the word honor, but there is really no other word for it, as I assure you there is no celebration for your absence. 

Aba had a nasty case of food poisoning while he was in Israel, but after 5 days of antibiotics he is starting to feel better, but not 100%. He and Tzvi were delayed leaving Israel due to the missiles, so we got to see them yesterday for a few hours before they flew back to Phoenix. Tzvi (and maybe even aba) had his first experience in a bomb shelter.  I am so thankful I had no idea going to Shabbat what was going on or I would have been a disaster.  I found out in an accidental manner when someone after Shabbat mentioned it in a nonchalant way when I said how their flight was delayed. Tzvi handled it like a champ, but he admitted he was a bit scared.  I wouldn't blame him, that is one life experience I have thankfully been spared thus far. He was calmed down by his cousin sharing in the routineness.  They had 1 min and 30 seconds to get inside once the siren rang.  Some places have only 15-30 seconds. Again, just glad I learned all the details yesterday.

Noam, Meena, and I stayed the night at uncles yesterday, completely unplanned, but it is so nice to love on baby Isla (who by the way is becoming quite the chunker). It has been so nice seeing them so often this summer.  Meena went on a shopping date with Hay-Hay, and she bought her and Laeya a matching Shabbas dress and a new pair of adorable shoes.  

Aba got you a heart rock from Israel! I am so excited to give you all of your new rocks from this summer.  They will be a beautiful addition to the ones you already have.  

Anyway Sonzee bear, I love you and miss you!

Until next time. 

Love always,

Ema

2 years 6 months

Dear Sonzee, 

Today marked 2 years and 6 months since you left me. That is 2.5 years without you.  More than half of your life.  I would ask how, but I am no stranger to the speed that time passes.  I made it through the day without any sudden moments taking my breath away.  That is probably because I didn't want to think about the day until this evening.  In a sense, it was nice to essentially be on my own island without anyone else realizing, acknowledging, or maybe even knowing what today was.  It is definitely a double-edged sword. On one hand, I absolutely hate when people ask me how I am doing on a specific date related to you as if every other day of the year is any different for me. On the other, there is some comfort in knowing that others remember, that the day makes someone take a second to honor, that you are on someone's mind a little bit more today.  There is no winning on this grief journey. Never.

I do not quite understand how time has continued to pass by.  I do not understand how the world didn't stop 2.5 years ago.  For me, my life is surreal, spent balancing a before, during, and after, and not fully embracing the after.  It is filled with a mix of extreme highs and lows as I try to compensate for your loss, but never quite adequately. 

I am truly at a loss.  Two and half years ago you were with me, physically speaking. I know mentally you were out of your body 36 hours before.  I have been listening to an audible book about grieving a child, and the story recounts the exact days leading up to their daughter's death and the day of.  It still fascinates me how many details are remembered surrounding the deaths of a child.  I was thinking while I listened to the story how amazing it was this mother could recount the weeks prior with such perfection without knowing her daughter was going to die.  Then I realized, I didn't know how long you would have left to live and I too could recount the last weeks of your life with painful accuracy.  Some moments in life just become permanent.  Thankfully and not.

I feel like I have learned so little and so much in the two and half years since you left me.  I have definitely changed in the time as well, for better and worse. Two and half years ago seems like a dream and a nightmare all mushed into one block of time.  I still manage to wake up every day.  I still manage to put one foot in front of the other.  I still manage to breathe.  I still don't understand how.

In two and half years I have certainly cycled through all of the stages of grief and then some.  I feel like there should be a different term to describe them because if I could describe them visually, it would be one of those clown mazes, complete with mirrors, shaking, steps, strobe lights, and all of the chaos. If I thought at one point the stages would ever be accomplished I wouldn't be doing grief any justice.  This is one carnival experience that won't ever be ending.  

I wish I knew what you have been up to over these last two and half years. You accomplished a decent amount in your two and half years on earth but never hit the typical milestones.  Have you done so?  Did someone put a sticker on your shirt like I had ready for you and then take a picture with you wearing it?  Have you surpassed all of the typical milestones and completed ones I wouldn't even be able to dream of?  Do they have a sticker for flying?  Are there levels to complete like at swim? Have you earned a sticker for visiting me? Do they give you extra points for your mother not realizing it was even accomplished?  Maybe you could ask to have a sticker added for visiting your mother in her dreams?  I promise I would bring you a rock with that painted on it. 

Do you go to school?  What grade are you in? How does the schooling even work where you are?  Where are you even exactly? Is it one specific place or do you travel all around?  Who do you live with?  Are they people I know?  Do you have a lot of friends? Do you have sleepovers and parties together?  What is your favorite thing to do during the day?  What are your favorite foods? Do you still love to swim and the color red?  What is your favorite music to listen to? What music do you not like? Is it jazz like me or country music like aba?  Can you ride a bike? Have you ever been skiing or ice skating? Aba, I am sure would love to know if you like hockey. 

There is so much I don't know about you and what you are up to.  It literally sucks the air out of my lungs.  Your brother is soon to be the age you never turned, he is out of my sight for 8 hours a day, and I get pictures of what he is up to and I know where I can find him.  I know nothing about you.  It is horrible.  I hope that is one-sided. I hope you are not experiencing the same panic wondering what we are doing here. I hope you are in the know.

My heart is still in pieces two and half years later.  Time has not healed anything.  Grief isn't any better, and it certainly is not over.  The thought of another two and half years passing without you here makes me nauseous, despite knowing that will be my future. Please come and visit me in my dreams, it's been too many years since I have seen your face!  

I love you beyond words Sonzee bear!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

130 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

130 Mondays have passed. The weeks with 0's at the end seem to hit the hardest.  They for some reason represent an infinite amount of time.  130 weeks.  130 Mondays since you last laid in my lap.  130 Mondays since I last felt your soft skin and gave you a kiss.  

I often wonder who is taking over that role without me being there. I pray it is someone and you haven't been void of receiving cuddles and kisses from someone, but I am also envious of whoever is fortunate enough to be with you. 

130 Mondays since you were driven away from our home for the last time. I cannot seem to remember your siblings' correct names or why I walked into a room, but I can remember 130 Mondays ago like it happened yesterday. I will forever be thankful for as long as that is the case.  (Although I cannot say the same for the 48 hours before that).

This last week all the related service providers and teachers started back at FBC.  I was able to pop in virtually for a meeting on Friday and it was nice to see everyone.  I am very excited about the new school year (although I will be starting later than everyone else).  This week I purchased your siblings' school supplies so when we get back they will be ready to go to school.  

I often times find myself forgetting how old you would be and what grade you would be going into.  Hard to even fathom you as a 7-year-old 2nd grader.  Forever in my mind, you are 4 and in preschool.  The same age as your baby brother.  

This weekend I took Meena and Noam to the trampoline park here.  There was a Jewish special needs camp with a little girl who reminded me so much of you.  She was being held in the lap of someone while on the trampoline.  I stared.  I wanted to go over and ask about her, but I had shoes on, and I couldn't think of anything besides, "Hi, she reminds me of my dead daughter, what is her diagnosis?", so I just started some more.  While my mind created various scenarios of how the counselors were probably thinking how rude I was to stare, and how if they were to say something I would actually be able to bring you up, the tears filled my eyes.  So much so that Meena caught on and asked me if I was okay, I managed to give a smile and say yes, but my throat caught when I went to say how the little girl reminded me of you. It took a good swallow for me to say it to her.  I tried to get her to go over and ask the counselor about her, but she didn't want to and being how I wasn't going, it would have been pretty hypocritical to make her.

Anyway baby girl...I wish you were here (although the walk up the hill would be quite intense pushing you in your wheelchair). I wish you would come and visit me!  I wish I knew what you have been up to for the last 130 Mondays. I miss you so much!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

129 weeks and 2 days

Dear Sonzee, 

This last week was the last week that aba was in vacation village for the summer.  He and Tzvi will spend the next 10 days in Israel and then go back to Phoenix so Tzvi can get back on the ice. The week was filled with a lot of yummy lunches and dinners.  We also got to see Laeya on Sunday.  It was amazing to give her a hug and kiss, and then sad to send her back to camp, but, she is happy so that is what matters.  It is amazing after just a month of her being gone how I felt reuniting with her.  It makes me wonder how it will be to see you, again, hopefully, one day. 

This last week I had another panic attack. It made it the 2nd one over the last couple of weeks and the first ones I have experienced in the previous 6 months or so.  I am pretty sure the culprit was grief, but I cannot confirm or deny that guess.  

Someone who had not seen us since the last summer you were here asked me excitedly about you.  I paused for a moment and then told them you are no longer with us. I felt so sad for them.  Me, I have known you have been gone for 2 years 5 months, and 24 days.  They just found out this information.  It breaks my heart to have to break someone else's.  It was in the middle of the night after this conversation that I had my panic attack. I find the ones where they wake me from my sleep with the squeezing headache to be the worst type.  Especially when there are no dreams to accompany them.  It took me a good 3 days to finally relax, but I can tell even days later that anything could send me back.

Bubbie, pop-pop, and Max came to visit us last shabbos. Maxi is the cutest dog and I bet he would have snuggled up against you as he tried to chew your feeding tubes and cords.  It would have been a blast trying to keep him off of you.  It was a very nice weekend and the weather was so beautiful we spent so much of it outside on the deck looking at the lake.

On Monday we picked up Meena and Tzvi from sleep-away camp. Meena absolutely loved it, while Tzvi was his typical "I am never going back there" self. That conversation ended with yes he will be and he can decide to have fun during it or not, his choice.  He made some new friends, they even came to celebrate his birthday with us at the water park before he left for Israel.  That made my heart happy.

Anyway baby girl.  As always, I miss you so very much! Be safe, and keep having fun!

Until next time. 

Love always, 

Ema