2 years 7 months and 2 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

I realized I missed the monthly anniversary date over a week ago, but figured I would wait until a more "even" date to formally acknowledge the time.  I am unsure if that was a "good" idea or not, but here we are.  For at least a week I have felt this nagging feeling every morning like I am forgetting something.  I felt it a lot right after you left, but then it seemed like it went away, or maybe I just learned to live with it. Maybe after acknowledging the last month and 2 weeks with this letter it will be further removed from my awareness? 

The months on a whole seem to fly by. It is probably how I missed writing to you on the 3rd as it is.  Pair that together with pop-pop's birthday weekend and your brother's hockey tournament and it was the perfect recipe to not realizing/remembering the date.

Historically with my grief this time of year is a challenge.  It is weird considering there are no specific dates around now that really belong to you, but for some reason the summer turning into fall is a complete struggle.  Maybe it is because your last year here during this time was spent with me fighting for someone to listen and believe me about your failing health?! Maybe it is the looking holiday season? This year, we can add that your younger brother is about to age you and it is certainly a recipe for mental disaster. 

This month brings me closer to another fall and season of holidays without you. Another month further away from the last day we were together. It marks a month closer to completing year 3, which means in fewer years than you will soon be gone you will have been dead longer than you were alive.  So many impending dates that make me want to escape my body so I don't have to bother attempting the impossible task of trying to process them.

These monthly dates that pass continue to get worse despite or probably because grief is changing. I wish still that I could see you in my dreams. (I will be very specific so you don't feel the need to bring any flood waters down). We all miss you a lot! I will try to do better to honor the dates in real time. Stay healthy, be well, and have fun!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema